My human wants to kill me.
He's been vacillating between threats to send me to the pound or simply taking me out into the woods with a revolver.
Personally, I think what I did was incredibly cute.
We were on our daily walk in the dog park. Some boys were playing baseball. One of the boys had set his iPhone next to a post.
The iPhone smelled interesting; so I started doing what a dog does naturally: I began pooping on the iPhone.
My human jumped at me and with force that is unbecoming a human disrupted my natural bodily flows. He heaved my rump away from the iPhone then cleaned it with his shirt.
One the way home, my human talked about giving me away. Sending me to the pound or just taking me out and shooting me.
I think he was serious.
Humans are a dull and brutish species. My human is especially dull and especially brutish.
But this is all I can write at the moment. I am scared about what my human will do to my iPhone in response to the activities of this evening's walk; so I am off to bury my phone in a place where my human can't find it.