Acaninism

It has come to my attention that a growing number of people doubt the existence of dog. Denying the existence of dog is called "acaninism."

As a dog, I find this a disturbing trend and thought I should blog about ways to prove the existence of dog. I list below several signs that dog exists:

1. Dog barks.
2. Dog bites.
3. Dog nudges.
4. Dog poops.

So, if you feel the gentle nudge of a snout while you are sitting their watching your TV or reading your book; it is a sign dog exists. If you hear barking and yipping sounds in the neighborhood at night; It is a sign that dog exists. If you step in something on a trail that reeks to high heavens, that poop my just be a manifestation of dog. If you feel a sharp pain on your ankle when you carelessly walk by the "Beware of Dog" post; it is a sign that dog exists.

My name is Coco. I am a dog. I approve this message, and I exist.

The Natural Order of Things

Coco is wise. She says that there is a natural order to things and if a doggie carefully sniffs the wind, the doggie can determine this natural order.

For example, things in Coco's life include walks, sleeping, and food. Coco says that she loves sleeping but is always happy to get up for a walk; therefore a walk is of a higher order than sleeping. She says that she would prefer a bowl of kibbles to either a walk or sleeping; therefore, eating of of the highest order.

In the creation of things there is a natural order as well.

Doggies are clearly the most wonderful things on the planet (with the exception of puppies). Being full of wonderfulness, doggies clearly belong in the highest order of things.

Doggies are inherently good; therefore dogs are innocent and should not be accused of wrongdoing. For example, doggies should not be accused of eating the double recipe of brownies. Accusing a wonderful animal of such things is just plain mean.

Let's say, hypothetically, that a doggie did indeed eat the brownies, or the lasagna, or (while we are on the subject), let's say hypothetically that a doggie ate that really yummy batch of cinamon rolls that the humans bought for a special party.

If the doggie did in fact eat these things, the innate wonderfulness of the doggie would shed any moral guilt associated with the act. Therefore, the doggie should not be accused of wrongdoing.

The great creator gave humans free will. With free will, humans are capable choosing between good and evil. Since humans have free will, they sometimes choose good and sometimes choose bad. As such humans have have both good and evil.

So, here is the deal: Doggies are full of wonderfulness. This means that doggies (along with dolphins, polar bears and koalas) are among the highest order of creature on the planet.

Humans, with their free will, have some wonderfulness and some wickedness, Consequently, they are a lower level creature than the doggie.

Now, the creator, while creating the planet, had a whole big pile of leftover evilness. Evil is extremely toxic in concentrated form. Believing that dilution is the solution to pollution, the creator created cats and put just a little bit of evilness in each cat.

This explains why cats are evil, and why there are so many of them. It also helps explain why cats need chasing.

Coco is wise. She says that when one sniffs the wind, one can deduce the natural order of things. Doggies are highest, humans in the middle, and cats are evil. Cats need chasing.

Of course, when sniffing one must be careful not to confuse the natural order of things with the natural odor of things.

I mean, dead things found on the road side have a really strong odor. Poop gives off really strong odors as well. Having eaten both roadkill and poop, Coco has wisely deduced that it is the quality and not strength of odors that help one determine the natural order.

On Cat Heaven

Coco is wise and shares the wisdom of the great dog theologians.

Dog theologians hold that there must be a great reward for cats that can overcome their inner cat wickedness. This place would be called cat heaven.

In our last posts we learned that dog heaven and cat hell are the same place.

The converse is also true. Cat heaven would be dog hell.

Now, here's the sweet part: Since cats are all snooty and standoffish, they've set things up so that there are no dogs in cat heaven.

As "heaven and hell" is an mutually exclusive proposition, we can conclude that since there are no dog's in cat heaven, i.e. dog hell; then there are no dogs in dog hell.

Therefore, all dogs must go to heaven.

Sweet deal, eh?

Coco on Cat Hell

Coco expands on the observation that dog heaven and cat hell is the same place:

In dog heaven there are self propelled furry chew toys that make little meowing sounds. In dog heaven, the chew toys never wear out.

In cat hell, one is subjected to unending, bone crunching torment for eternity.

Hence, dog heaven and cat hell are one in the same.

PS: those questioning the innate evilness of cats should ask: Why are there cats that look like Hitler?

Kitlers, they call 'em.

Coco is wise. She knows instinctively that cats need to be chased.

Divine Paradox

Coco is wise in matters of both this world and the next.

Coco says that one of the greatest paradoxes of the beyond is that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell is the same place.

Poly Dyslexia

Coco is wise in the ways of this world and of the next.

Coco watches with dismay the confusion of humans. Coco says that many of the problems in the human world seem to rise from dyslexia.

People confuse the worship of "God" with the worship of "dog".

Both are necessary and good, but have fundamentally different form.

One should fear God for what God might do in the there after. One should fear dogs for what they might do in the here now.

There is also a difference in multiplicity. The worship of God is best done in the singular. In such worship, one recognizes the oneness of truth. This system of worship is called monotheism. Monotheism stands in contrast to polytheism in which there is a confused conflict between multiple truths.

Dogs, on the other paw, like to run in packs and should be worshiped as the plural: "dogs."

The multiplicity runs deeper than the pack. It so happens that the snouts of dogs are full of sharp, bone crunching teeth. The worship of dogs is thus referred to as "polyteethism."

Monoteethism makes no sense. A monoteethist would have just one tooth.

It is paradoxical like the sound of one hand clapping.

One tooth chewing isn't going to satisfy even a chihuahua sized hunger.

So, in the worship of God, one is seeking the truth. In the worship of dogs, one is fearing the tooth. The worship of one God is called monotheism. The worship of dogs is called polyteethism.

Coco is wise in the way of the world, and will impart more of her dog wisdom tomorrow.

The Wisdom of Coco

Coco is wise beyond her dog years. This blog will contain the kibbles of wisdom as barkken by Coco, and translated from dog into human by her manservant Kevin.