Friday, February 13, 2009

The Accusers

I've been watching the media circus surrounding the impeachment of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

It is disturbing to watch the poor man tried and convicted in the press. He has such big puppy dog eyes, he has to be innocent.

I know what it feels like. I have big puppy dog eyes, but was once accused of something.

I was accused of eating a double recipe of Chocolate Brownies.

No-one saw me eat the brownies. It could have been any of the creatures in the house. There were three humans in the house that day. Why didn't anyone investigate them?

Why didn't they investigate any of the nefarious characters in the neighborhood?

I've spent hours sitting at the window watching all of the nefarious characters slink by the house. Nefarious characters are slinking around night and day. Anyone of the nefarious characters could have eaten the brownies.

I was essentially tried and found guilty by an all human jury based entirely on circumstantial evidence.

The circumstantial evidence was an empty pan and a spatula found under the table where I like to sit and chew bones.

That area is open. Anyone in the house could put the spatula there!

I was the first one in the house to realize that the double batch of brownies had been eaten. From experience, I knew that the humans would summarily accuse me of the misdeed. So, when they found the empty brownie tray and the spatula, I was sitting in the room with absolute most innocent looking eyes that a puppy dog could muster.

Now, I need to point out that all of their evidence was circumstantial. Yes, my tummy was bulging out of my ribs. But that could have been anything. If the pack really loved me, they would have looked no further than my innocent face, then passed off the missing double recipe of brownies as an unsolved mystery.

But, no, once those humans start in on their little witch hunts they start accusing everyone of everything. It is quite painful to watch.

They looked past my big innocent eyes toward my bushy tail that was slunk behind my hind legs. What body part would you believe. The big eyes that say I am innocent or the bushy tail that tells of guilt?

The humans did not read me my Miranda rights. They did not dust the brown tray for prints. They tried me and found me guilty on the spot.

To punish me, the humans poured hydrogen peroxide down my snout and exiled me to the porch. They sat there for a few minutes thinking that I would throw up brownie. But I didn't. The humans then went back inside the house and called the vet for more ideas.

When they came back, they found humongous pile of regurgitated brownies on one side of the porch, and an innocent looking doggie, whose tummy no longer bulged, sitting on the other.

The pile of regurgitated brownie could have been from anyone.

Anyway, I know what it's like to be accused of something, and feel deeply for those suffering the same plight.

In my final defense, I would like to put forward that the eater of the double recipe of brownies could not have possibly been me.

After cooking the brownies, the humans put the tray of brownies way far back on top of the microwave.

To get to the brownies, a dog would have to jump up on a counter then navigate to the far back side of the microwave.

That is the type of stuff cats do.

Why didn't they accuse any of the cats? I've seen a lot of suspicious looking cats in the neighborhood.

I would also like to point out that chocolate is poison to dogs. If I had eaten the double recipe of chocolate brownies, then I would have died a horrible painful death. I am still here; therefore, I must be innocent.

In conclusion, I am a wonderful sweet doggie. Brownies are yummy. Cats are evil, and humans should not be so quick to pass judgment.

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