Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Four Legged Awkward Human

It was the funniest thing ever.

My human has a contract that says he must walk the dog three times a day. Each walk must be at least a half hour in length. Preferrably the walks should be two hours and involve a Frisbee.

Anyway, my human does not stick with the contract and I have to growl at him and bite at his kneecaps to remind him of his duty.

So, I was working on my human to get him to go on a walk.

Instead of putting on his regular shoes, he put on some strange looking black boots with stiff ankles. He then grabbed two blue poles and two really long green planks.

He put them in the car and drove to my running park.

He had a hard time driving because of the awkward boots.

My running field is covered with snow this time of year.

My human then attached the two long green planks to his boots. He used the two poles as if they were front paws.

You have to imagine this. My human was using the green planks as if they were back paws, and was using the long blue poles as if they were front paws. My guess is that he thought his artificial paws might make him and quick and nimbl as a puppy.

It was all really exciting so I jumped up and down uncontrollably.

Well, you can guess what happened next. He slid out in the running field and, sure enough, he immediately fell over.

It was very funny. I jumped up and down on top of him in dog laughter.

My human skooted around the playing field in big wide circles.

Some time he would skoot up the hill and come sliding down.

Often his attempts to slide down would end up in a fall.

I would jump up and down on him each time he fell.

Some times I would run and throw my weight against him to see if I could force a fall. I rarely succeeded.

One time he did this fall where the two planks on his feet V'ed out from under him and he fell into the snow face first ... his feet attached to the boards like hinges.

Watching my human on wooden planks falling over was extremely funny. It is interesting though that humans can use really long poles as if they were front paws.

PS: I wish all the doggies and their humans a Happy New Year.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Lessons from a Lost Puppy

Sad but true: I was once a lost puppy.

My first human wasn't quite ready for a puppy when I showed up at his den. So, I was in a less than secure location. One November day, while my human was at work, it started getting all snowy and cold.

This was my first snow storm and I was all worried. Not knowing what to do about the snow, I squiggled out of my container and set forth on the city streets.

I wandered around for a long time and got all shivery and cold. Finally I spied a kind looking human walking along the street. I followed this new human to a den with a cozy looking porch.

I looked at the human with my big brown puppy eyes and commanded the human to give me food and to let me share the den for the night.

This quick thinking got me through the snow storm.

When I woke up the next day, I discovered that everything was covered in white and I couldn't find my paw tracks back to my first den.

To make matters worse, I realized that I left my collar with my ID at my first den. (I keep my ID on a dog tag hanging from my collar).

It was horrible. These new humans didn't even know that my name was Coco. They just called me "dog."

There was no way back to my first human. As humans are lost and alone without their dog, I knew the poor guy would be in dire straights.

Now, I had heard other doggies talking about wonderful little mircrochips that can ID a lost puppy.

I instructed this new set of humans to take me to a vet to get me scanned.

Us dogs have things arranged so that humans pay to get the chip implanted. People who find lost puppies can get the lost puppy scanned for free.

Alas, I did not have a chip.

After much frantic pacing back and forth, this lost puppy made the bold decision to ask the new humans to be my servants.

Several days after my new humans agreed to take care of me, we did find my first human. His name is Doug. Doug told my new humans that my name was "Coco."

My lost puppy story worked out okay. But, since good dog loving humans are a scarce commodity, some lost puppies get lost and never find a good warm den to call their own again.

Realizing my propensity to wander, my new humans had a chip implanted in me. That way I could get found again.

Anyway, below is a video by FetchDog (on online Pet Store) for the Home Again pet MicroChip program. It shows the simple process of getting a MicroChip for your dog.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Sandy Paws Delivers

Like a good little doggie, I hung my stocking by the chimney with care.

True to his bark, Sandy Paws came on Christmas morn and I got a bone. How did Sandy Paws know that I would like a bone? Here is a picture of me enjoying the bone.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Sandy Paws

Every seven dog years (just after the darkest days of winter) a wonderous event occurs. A wonderful white bearded dog named Sandy Paws travels around the world and gives all good dogs a treat.

Since dogs are, by definition, good. That pretty much means we all get a treat.

So, I put out my stocking and hope that Sandy Paws and will have pleasant doggie dreams. I wish you all a merry XMas and a joyous start of the next seven dog years.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Purple Bandage

As if the shoes weren't bad enough; my humans then decided to wrap my paw in a purple bandage.

I have an instinct for this type of thing and my instinct says that the cure for sore paw is to lick and chew at the sore paw.

Dancing Shoes

My humans got me pair of dancing shoes. I think they are trying to help me with my soar paw. I am not pleased at all with this development. Below I am wearing all four of my new shoes on a walk.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

What's a Dog to Do?

Coco is laid up with a bum paw. It looks like the snow, salt and licking made the paw raw. Right now her rear paw is wrapped in gauss and doggie booty. (Click picture for full view)

You know, one could make a better booty with an old sock. For the sole, one could use an old inner tube.

The Frisbee Didn't Stand a Chance

While I convelesce, I instructed my human to catch up on some of my old Frisbee fetching pictures:

Blowing Out a Paw

Things are not going well.

I blew out my right rear paw and am running on a spare.

Although I really wanted to play fetch today, I couldn't because my rear paw was all sore and raw. It is probably the toxic combination of salt on the road, the freezing cutting snow and a tendency to lick wounds until they get worse.

My humans rushed me off to PETsMART where they bought doggie booties and gauss to make a temporary bandage. We will see how I do over the weekend. If the sore gets worse, it will be off to the vet on Monday.

Here are some pictures. Click for larger view:





Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A Zisc Disc in the Snout

Not to speak ill of the bipeds, but my human is somewhat of a dolt.

About a month ago, he lost my Frisbee!

I had to go like a whole month without a decent flying disc. The picture below shows my new Zisc Disc. Click on the picture for the full 1024px resolution.

Anyway, my human was all grumbly about how I am eating him out of house and home and asked that I write up a page of Dog Disc Reviews. I just started the page. I need to get the picture of my Floppy Disc and Flying Squirrel up online. I'll let you know when I'm finished.

I really like the feel of the Zisc Disc. The only problem is that the rim of the frisbee is too large and it keeps bouncing off my noses when I jump for a fetch.
Coco with a Zisc Disc

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Scratching the Itch

One of my fans asks: "Coco, I noticed that you often scratch your ear during moments of quiet contemplation. Does your ear itch?"

This is a good question. I would like to say that scratching my ear helps me in my contemplation. But, the truth is that my ear is pretty much the only place that I can reach with by back paw.

My paws, you see, have these really wonderful toe nails that are perfect for two things: They give great traction when I run through snow. They are also the ultimate tool for scratching.

I happen to have springy rear legs that are super fast. I can scratch at a rate of upwards of 50 strokes a minute.

The only problem is that I can only reach a few select points on my doggie body.

With such wonderful scratching instruments strapped to my hind quarters, I figure I should scratch any place within reach of my hind legs as often as I can simply because I can do it.

My name is Coco. I am a dog and I approve this message.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Through the Tube

My human wanted me to go through this spooky hole.

Not me. I am not falling for that trick. I wouldn't go through a spooky hole ... not even for a treat.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

HypnoEyes

One of my secret weapons is HypoEyes. Using nothing but the power of my hypno-eyes, I shall force corn chips from this girl's paper plate into my snout:

Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Canine Paradox

For today's post, Coco contemplates one of the great paradoxes of canine mathematics. The paradox is:

"One can often find several hundred pounds of dog in a single dog pound."

Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Purifying Effects of Snow

Snow has a purifying effect.

As you see, each season has its unique characteristics. Summer is fun. It is full of green running fields and warm days.

In Autumn, the leaves turn yellow, brown and red.

During Autumn, there is a wondeful smell of decaying leaves and decaying grass ... but a doggie must be careful in the Fall. Things might smell intense, but they are all rotteny and foul when the doggie tries to eat them. Doggies must be cautious in Fall.

The snow has a purifying effect on the world. It covers all of the decay of Fall in a deep blanket of white.

A doggie can run and bound in the snow ... leaving fresh paw prints on the running fields.

The best part of snow is that, if a doggie is able to sniff up anything under the carpet of white, the doggie can confidently eat it ... the purifying effects of the snow ... you know.

My name is Coco. I am a dog, and I approve this message.

Monday, November 30, 2009

2.142857143 Minutes of Fame

A wise human once said that every man will get 15 minutes of fame.

Thats 105 dog minutes!

15 dog minutes is only 2.142857143 human minutes.

Us dogs, we only get 2.142857143 human minutes of fame. So, you humans need to be super attentive to us dogs during our flame out of fame.

But, you know, it's a dog's life and a dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Uncommon Sense

Aromatherpy make a lot of scents.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Sabi's Saga

Being a dog is hard work.

Today's dog hero of the month is Sabi the Black Lab. Sabi is a service dog from Australia serving the NATO forces in Afghanistan. She does the very dangerous job of sniffing out bombs.

Sabi narrowly escaped from a Taliban ambush, and then spent the next 14 months lost in the desert.

Desert life is especially tough when your fur is black.

Sabi deserves a full twenty-one bark salute and a big tail wag for her heroism.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Bone Thieves

A good chewing bone is hard to find. The problem is that humans and other critters are always trying to steal bones. The video below demonstrates some of the moves a doggie can take to defend a bone from things that try to sneak up and snatch their bone.



A word of wisdom: A dog should not bite the paw that scratches it.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Mr. Monk and the Dog

Hi all those fans out in TV land. As a dog, I prefer to run and play in a field to watching TV.

But I have to admit, there is some appeal to curling up with the whole pack and watching a TV program or two. My favorite program is a think called Monk.

I've watched the show "Monk" since I was a puppy. The plot of the show is really simple. There is a guy named Adrian Monk who really needs a puppy. Because he doesn't have a puppy, he has developed all sorts of odd neuroses.

The guy works as a detective and solves all sorts of crimes, but has not been able to figure out that he, himself, needs a little doggie in his life to be complete.

Anyway, this show has been going on for dog decades, and I was extremely happy to find out that in Friday's show, Mr. Monk finally found a doggie to share his life. If you happen to have iTunes, you can press the button below and order a copy of the show online: (Pressing the button loads iTunes.)

Monk

Since Mr. Monk has finally found his puppy, his life will be full and complete. As such, there are only a few episodes left before the series go into that place where all TV shows go.

I am very happy the Mr. Monk found a doggie. There were times in the show where I thought he would never realize that people need doggies to be complete.

My name is Coco. I am a dog, and I approve this message.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Green to White

My green running field turned from green to white.

OVERNIGHT!!!!!

The snow this year appears to be harder. I remember bounding in snow was much easier when I was a pup.

But I love snow. I love snow. I love snow.


woof.

signed

Coco the doggie

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Life Among the Monkeys

Yep, the video below captures what it's like to live among the monkeys:

Monday, September 28, 2009

On Design Principles




Fast is better than tall.





I am Coco, a fast dog, I approve this message typed by my tall human.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Five Second Rule

The five second rule is an important part of hygiene that applies in both the dog and people world.

This rule states that if you drop something and can pick it back up before counting to five, then it is still good.

After all, it takes five seconds for a germ to get on something.

This important rule applies to both people and dogs.

Dogs, though, have the advantage that we don't know how to count to five. When us doggies see food on the ground. We pretty much assume that no dog has ever counted to five. No germs woudl have had a chance to get on the food. So, we eat it.

A second part of the five second rule is the first come first serve provision. So, if a human drops something on the ground and the dog gets to it first, it belongs to the dog even if the human has not counted all the way to five.

My name is Coco. I am a dog, and I approve this message.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Man Bites Dog

At the dog park the other day, I met a great dane who suffered the indignity of having a human bite its ear.

The ear was all floppy and off center because a person bit it.

What is this world coming to?

Friday, September 4, 2009

Chewing on the Laces of the Law

In my last post, I brought up the point that I happen to have a lawyer.

His name is Doug.

With Cass Sunsteen as the new regulatory czar, there is a lot of talk about the legal rights of animals.

I find that the best way to keep regular is to have multiple walks a day. So, I am really excited about having a regulatory czar interested in my rights.

Now, the dog/human contract says that I am to get three walks a day. I am to get that along with three big bowls of kibbles, treats for being good and belly rubs on demand.

Quite frankly, I think my humans have been lax on the three walk a day thingy. At times I think that, if I knew how to count, they would be in big, big trouble on the walk deficiency.

I am not sure if my having a lawyer has helped me in the dog walking equation. Some times, my evening walk comes late, and I am about ready to burst when we get to to dog park.

Here's the thing. Having a lawyer only really helps if one is willing to use that lawyer. I am such a good little doggie that I spend most of my doggie time trying to smooth things out in the pack that I often forget about myself and my own needs.

Perhaps it's just me being silly, but on the rare occasions that I see my lawyer, I simply jump up and down on him and chew at his shoelaces instead of engaging in more serious conversations about my rights as a dog and the responsibilites that humans have toward their dog.

I hope my humans read this blog and chew on the walk deficit in my life. I hope that my lawyer Doug drops by some day so that I can can chew on his shoe laces.

I wander if Cass Sunsteen has a little doggie who chews on his shoe laces.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Dogs of Law

Cass Sunstein, the Regulatory Czar in the Obama Administration, advocates that pets be allowed to sue their owners.

The Good Lord knows that pet owners simply don't do enough for their pets. We don't get enough kibbles, we don't get enough walks and humans don't scratch the right places. My human is simply an awful frisbee tosser ... especially when it is windy.

Wind doesn't affect my running ability. So ... tell me human ... why should it affect your Frisbee tossing ability?

Unfortunately, I've learned that being a dog in a pack of humans, one simply has to learn to deal with human faults and foibles.

As it turns out. I already have a lawyer.

My lawyer's name is Doug.

Doug is a pretty good lawyer at that.

When I was a puppy, I thought that having a lawyer was going to be all wonderful. As I look back on my doggie life I realize that having a lawyer isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

I haven't had more walks, and I am still on starvation rations of only three bowls of kibbles a day.

Much as I dream of it, I have yet to have the opportunity of eating by body weight in bison.

Meanwhile, my lawyer has turned out much like all the other humans in my life. He spends most of his day at his job, working on his house, his jeep or straighting out the rocks in his yard.

Sometimes Doug walks by and I an can see him from by little perch by the front window, under the drapes. I bark. He barks back.

Overall, I've found that having a lawyer doesn't seem to get me any more bones or treats or walks or the things that really matter to this little brown doggie.

As the lawyers for pets are still humans first it is unlikely that they will truly improve the pet condition.

Even worse, humans are very indiscriminate. Lawyers for dogs makes since. But imagine the chaos that would ensue if there were lawyers for cats.

Long ago, back in the day of first dog, canines throught about creating a breed of dog lawyers. First dog, first wolf and first coyote studied judicial philosophy then set out to create the perfect dog lawyer.

They came up with a species of canine known as the jackal.

Attempts to depend on jackals for legal advice proved unfounded. So the members of the canine family decided that we are better off just barking at eachother than depending on a professional class of lawyers.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Super Doggie Power

My super doggie power is escape artist.

I can escape from a yard with a ten foot high fence.

I can wiggle my way out of any collar or harness.

I can make my way out of a doggie sleeping.

I am still working on the locked room.

With my escape powers and my blazing fast speed, I am not just a doggie.

I am a super doggie.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Dining on Bison

Today's kibble bowl was topped with bison from WholeFoods. There is a nationwide boycott of WholeFoods because WholeFoods is using Health Savings Accounts instead of insurance. Progressives are opposed to this practice and believe strongly that funding for health care should come from insurance companies.

My human is a contrarian in that he supports an idea called The Medical Savings and Loan which would do away with insurance for most health expenses. Of course, if people self funded their health care, the system would become much more efficient and there would be less money for corporate moguls and progressive politicians. So, I can see why Democrats are so solidly opposed to self-funded care.

The problem with WholeFoods, of course, is that the food is awfully exspenive. My humans gave me only a little taste of the meat.

Since the meat sits on the shelf for several days, it was necessary to cook it.

Personally, I prefer my bison raw ... fresh off the kill ... with all the dogs in the pack eating their weight in meat ... growling and yipping at each other in the process.

Unfortunately, my pack of humans is a bit slow. There is no way that we could chase down a bison. As the only one with four paws, I would be forced to do all the work.

It's a dog's life and sometimes we just have to eat what is in the kibble bowl put before us.

Dining on Bison

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Don't Forget the Doggie

My human is super forgetful.

Everytime we go on a walk he forgets something and we have to go back to the house.

He will forget the water. He will forget the poop bags. He will forget the leash. He will even forget the Frisbee.

I swear, if it wasn't jumping up and down on top of him, he would forget the doggie.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Disinformation Tsar

I am distraught. I suspect that my human reported my blog to the Disinformation Tsar (Linda Douglas flag@whitehouse.gov).

This administration official has asked all patriotic Americans to report discussions of healthcare that are not lock-in-step with official policy to the White House.

Sadly, my weak-kneed human is just the type of creature that would report a member of the pack to authorities.

First of all, it is disheartening for a dog to learn that its human is a snitch. Secondly, I wish to point out that I am not providing disinformation but simply discussing health care from the canine perspective.

Canines have a long history of a leadership position in providing health care. It is a fact that, in a valley with a healthy wolf population, you will find no sick or straggling deer.

Wolves (and other canines) have helped countless herds of game animals stay alert and in top condition through rigorous running workouts.

Dogs have great wisdom that should be heard.

Now, I realize that there would be no challenge in chasing down sick or straggling humans. Thus, humans need a different form of health care. But wisdome from dogs is beneficial.

I am taking the time to impart the dog view of healthcare because I realize that President Obama does not have the time necessary to evolve another species to start waiting on humans hand and foot.

Dogs evolved humans to take care of dogs. It would be all freaky if humans tried to evolve a different species to take care of them.

Regardless. My blog is imparting quality information about health care reform ... not disinformation.

My guess is that my poor weak-minded human has, once again, fallen under the influence of cats.

Cats have been upset that many of my health care proposals conclude with the suggestion that we spay and neuter cats.

What's wrong with that?

It's for their own good.

Once again, I wish to emphasize that my position on spaying and neutering cats isn't disinformation. It is quality information. It is the change that we need.

BTW: If we were going to get all huffy on the issue of which dissidents should be reported to the authorities; I am tempted to point out that my human has been engaged in disruptive activity by promoting a free market form of health care reform called The Medical Savings and Loan.

His radical notion is that the best way to optimize health care is to design a system where health care resources followed the lifecycle of the individual.

If we dug down to the bone; I think one could conclude that my human is much more a radical dissident than I. If anyone needed reporting; it is the human, and not the dog.

But, guess what?

Dogs don't snitch.

It is a little thing that us pooches call loyalty.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Lawyer Joke

QUESTION: How do you know that your lawyer is a dog?

ANSWER: When you find a bone buried in the small print.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Handling Pesky Hairballs

My human has his knickers in a knot over this health care thing.

It is affecting me, the dog, because he cut my walk short to twitter on the issue.

His take is that the problem in healthcare goes deeper than the government v. private insurance spat which dominates the media. He believes the problem comes from people surrendering the funding of their care to third parties.

My human advocates an idea called a Medical Savings and Loan. This program adds an interest free loan to a medical savings account. My human says the MS&L gives people ability to fund their own healthcare needs with great leeway.

BTW, my human gave me a treat for mentioning his site.

Personally I see no problem with having groups relinquish their care to third parties.

I, myself, have been a strong advocate of having cats relinquish their care to dogs.

I've received a great deal of acclaim in the dog park for my Public Service Announcements regarding cat health. Those claws of theirs cause all sorts of problems and should be removed.

So, while on the subject of health care, I thought I would bring up other important cat health issues.

Felines, as they are known among scientifically inclined dogs, have a narcissistic preoccupation with grooming. This grooming obsession leads to a health conditional called hairballs.

Cats spend all day sitting there all snooty and catlike licking themselves. This excessive preoccupation with grooming clearly shows that cats don't have the proper perspective to be charged with their care.

Dogs have a transcendental perspective which means that they are better positioned to know what is good for the kitties. They can see cats for what they really are ... the little hairballs.

A minor case of hairballs results in coughing or hacking. Serious cases can lead to serious digestive problems or even death.

As an objective third party who sees what is best for kitties, I find that the best way of treating those pesky little hairballs is a simple procedure called spaying or neutering. Yes, we could get rid of our hairball problems once and for all if we simply spayed all the cats.

Anyway, this is my post of the day. I hope that I have convinced my readers that an objective third party is often in a better position to determine the good for a population than the population itself.

My human is foolish in his disagreement with the direction of health care. Just as dogs are positioned to know what is best for cats, the federal government is best positioned to know what is good for individual people.

The Custody of Dexter

The doggie world has been following the custody battle over Dexter the Pug and applaud the landmark ruling in NJ that essentially establishes dog custody a separate specialty of law.

Doggies are remarkably open minded. We realize that all humans yearn for the special joy that can only come with the companionship of a puppy.

To date, the strategy of the doggie world has simpy been to breed as rapidly as possible. Our goal has bee to give the joys of puppy companionship to as many humans as possible.

Unfortunately, humans are a bit doltish. It takes your average human a great deal of time and effort to figure out simply tasks like how to feed us, where we like being rubbed and how to toss the Frisbee.

I've spent days teaching my human how to throw the Frisbee, and still he messes up every third toss!

A well trained human is a valuable thing.

With this ruling, the poppies are hoping that we can keep the well trained humans together with the dog that trained them.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Fundamental Transformation

I read an interesting observation that it took the president four weeks to choose a dog, but that he expects a permanent fundamental transformation in Health Care to go down in two weeks.

The observation makes sense to me.

A human/dog relationship is a very important thing. In choosing a dog, the human must take invenorty of himself and carefully weigh his temperment against the temperment of different breeds.

Us dogs, we come in different breeds to help humans find the right one to adopt and care for.

A hasty decision in choosing a dog is likely to lead to the ugly situation where it is necessary for the dog go bite the human.

Political change, on the other hand, is all about subterfuge and strategy and is best handled in dark dimly lit spaces little public scrutiny.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Coco, How Hot Is It?

It is so hot, a doggie wants to extend its big red tongue to maximum length and pant harder than a steam locomotive climbing a steep grade.

It is so hot that a doggie wants to skulk from shade tree to shade tree along the trail.

It is so hot a doggie wants to scratch at a smell in the lawn and roll with abandon.

It is so hot that a doggie wants to sit in a muddy spot at the playground.

It is so hot that a doggie wants to drink a whole Frisbee full of water. Tinkle. Then drink again.

It is so hot that a doggie would prefer to stay in the shade under a tree to running and fetching the Frisbee.

It is so hot that a doggie would prefer to stay in the spot under the cool air conditioner to greeting granny when she comes to the door.

It is so hot that a doggie wants to bite at the stream of water coming from the hose as granny waters the flowers.

It is so hot that a doggie wants to throw itself into the cool rushing water of a brook.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

SatScenes

Today I instructed my human to take me on a walk up Neff Creek Canyon to get some photos for the SatScene Project. The calendar in the dog world is a little bit different than the calendar in the human world. Our weeks have only one day, and that day is Saturday.

If my human did this right; you should be able to click on the picture to see a large view, then click the large view to get back to this post.




Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A Wise Pupsida

As the human world engages in a confirmation hearing for a Supreme Court Justice, I think many of my readers may be interested to learn that my mother was a famed jurist.

Her name was Coco-mayor.

She was famous for the statement that "given the same set of facts, a wise pupsida judge is likely to come to a better conclusion than a human judge."

Of course, that statement wasn't all that controversial because it is obviously true.

I mean, look what humans eat! Humans think that bananas are a form of food. Bananas are not food. Would you trust the judgment of a species that eats bananas?

Raised in a legal litter, I have always been fascinated with the law.

As a puppy I chewed up several Nancy Drew books, and I instructed my humans to watch reruns of Perry Mason.

I've discovered that humans have several misconceptions about the history of law. Many human scholars trace the development of the Western legal tradition through the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Dogs know that the real rule of law began millennia before in wolf packs.

In ancient days, wise bands of wolf judges would form a pack court then go out on the savannah and hunt down herds of various game species. They would try and find the weakest members of the herd guilty of running too slow (a crime punishable by becoming dinner).

The ancient forests would be filled with the howls "You've been tried, and found tasty."

Anyway, I've enjoyed watching the confirmation hearings on TV all day. Humans in the halls of power seem much like a dog pack. It appears that they spend most of their day sniffing each other, while growling at members of the other pack.

Monday, July 13, 2009

A True Observation



I sniffed out an interesting truth at the dog park.

One of the most lucrative professions in the human world is the cosmetic surgeon. Even a second rate cosmetic surgeon will make millions each year as humans strive to find a way to cover perceived imperfections.

Conversly, the lowest paid profession is cosmetic surgery for dogs.

What is such a person supposed to do?

How can one improve on the chiseled visage of a dog's mug?

How can one improve on the perfection of nature?

PS: Of course, us dogs have never really understood the concept of cosmetic surgery. At the dog park there is a poodle whose human works in the business. One day the poodle brought a big pile of before and after pictures.

It was unamimous. Us dogs, we all preferred the before shots.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

PSA for Cats

cat claws

I've received criticism that my blog is a bit too canine centric.

As I am a dog, I tend to view the world from a canine perspective; However, I wish to emphasize that I am deeply concerned with the wellbeing of all creatures.

I work myself ragged each day fetching Frisbees and doing chores for man. On the humanitarian front I work diligently to promote issues of importance to the small critters of the world.

I am even deeply concerned about the wellbeing of cats.

Yes. That's right. Even despite the fact that I was kidnapped by cats, I look beyond the innate evilness of cats and promote issues of importance to the cat population.

Today I wish to examine a health care issue that is unique to cats.

The species of cats suffer from some sort of bizarre genetic mutation that causes them to have really sharp claws that retract.

These retractable claws are the source of a number of cat diseases that take the lives of scores of kitties each year. The list includes horrendous infected suppurating sores of the claw, cancer of the claw, broken infected claws.

Claws cause hundreds of billions of dollars each year in damaged draperies and sofas as cats try to deal with the unending pain caused by having retractable claws. Not only do claws cause great pain to cats and damage to furniture, cat claws are an infectious vector which spread interspecies diseases including the debilitating cat scratch fevers.

The claws of cats are malformed. They have a curved shape that makes it really easy for cats to climb up trees. But the claws are unidirectional and it is really difficult for them to get back down from trees.

Each year fire departments around the world spend the bulk of their budget pulling cats out of trees.

My friend Spot (the Dalmation) has a cousin Vinny who is the mascot for a fire department. Spot told me that Vinny went to a Fire Dog convention where one of the other fire dogs recounted the following conversation:

Crewman: "Hey chief. We just got a call. The elementary school is on fire. Maybe we should get on it."

Chief: "That's unfortunate. I received a call to pull a cat out of a tree."

Crewman: "Well, my kid is in that school. Maybe we should [explicative removed] the cat and save the kids."

Chief: "I'd like to. But we always answer calls in the order received."

Crewman: "Well, maybe we should send a few people down to open the door of the burning elementary school."

Chief: "Nope, we will need the whole crew to save the cat."

Crewman: "Darn, I really am going to miss that kid. If only there were some way to prevent cats from climbing trees ..."


Yes. It is sad to think of all the lives lost when firefighters are called out to pull cats out of trees instead of saving people from fires.

But there is hope. There is a very simple procedure that can solve this problem, save the billions of dollars spent replacing sofas, and save the cat population the terrible pain and diseases associated with claws.

The procedure is called declawing.

And, I, Coco the Dog, out of pure canine altruism, am a solid advocate of charitable efforts to declaw the cats of the world.

Cats need to be declawed. It is for their own good. I strongly believe that subsidies for declawing cats be included in any healthcare reform bill.

You may also be interested in my public service work to raise awareness of the importance of spaying or neutering cats.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Cheerios

CheeriosToday's post would be humorous; if it weren't so pathetic.

Anyway, dogs have a contract with humans that states (quite clearly, I might add) that humans were put on the planet to feed dogs.

The contract is clear about the feeding of dogs. The problem is that the contract isn't quite as clear on exactly what humans should feed dogs. When we signed the contract, we assumed the humans would be feeding us bison, elk, salmon, whale and other yummy things.

Humans, it turns out, are lazy and cunning and try to get away with feeding dogs non foods.

In the picture to the right, my human had the temerity to toss me doughnut shaped bit of rolled oats as if such a thing were food.

He tossed the little "O" shaped morsel in the same way that he tosses treats; However, I saw in mid air that the thing was not a piece of food. It was a piece of non-food shaped in the topological form of a torus.

Rather than chomping down on the O, I instinctively averted my snout and thing landed on my back.

I was not fooled. The picture is proof of my wisdom.

It is sad though. The humans think that if they give the doggies non-foods, they will be able to keep all of the real foods for themselves.

It is actually quite pathetic. My human makes great show of eating all sorts of non-foods in a concerted effort to fool me. My human will fill a whole bowl full of these "O"s then just in an effort to convince me they are food.

My human has tried to convince me that a number of inanimate objects are foods including: carrots, bananas, tofu, lettuce, zucchini, olives, etc..

It doesn't take even half a sniff to know an olive is not food

Of course, some of the things humans give me don't smell like food, but are food.

They gave me a hunk of watermelon. I was absolutely convinced it was not food. They put it on my tongue and coaxed me to shut my mouth. My whole snout exploded with cool watery goodness. Although the watermelon itself is not really food, the watery goodness makes it a snout full of pleasure.

When the weight of one's tongue is greater than the weight of one's brain, an explosion of watery goodness is something wonderful to behold.

One time they gave me a little bowl with a non-food strawberry in it. They also placed a tiny piece of sponge cake and a dollop of whip cream in the bowl.

I knew the strawberry wasn't food. But I ate the whole concoction and there was this wonderful dancing of super sour and super sweet on my tongue.

In conclusion, one cannot trust humans. They try to fill our doggie tummies with non-foods while keeping all of the steaks and wild game to themselves.

Dr. Wysong, please save me!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Dogs of Service



This is a picture of me at the Service Dog Memorial at the Utah State Capitol Building. I visited the memorial on July 4th, 2009.

As it was the Fourth of July, I donned red scarf and used my blue leash with stars.

Standing next to a gigantic five foot high statue of a service dog was unnerving at first. But I am incredibly brave and calmed down for the picture.

I see myself as a service dog.

In addition to blogging, I do all sorts of important service type things ranging from waking granny in the morning to fetching the frisbee. I once found the frisbee despite its being really welll hidden.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Trip to the Capitol

July 4th, 2009 marks the 233rd birthday of the United States.

Thats 1631 dog years.

These have been some of the best dog years in the history of the planet.

To celebrate the event, I instructed my human to take me on a walk on the grounds of the Utah State Capitol where people just happened to be throwing a Tea Party.

I've placed pictures of the event below.

Coco visits the Capitol - Coco at the Tea Party - Mormon Battalion Monument

Friday, July 3, 2009

Common Scents

Glenn Beck has a super-duper best seller called Common Sense. My human says he will give me treat if anyone buys the book through his overstock link.

I do all sorts of demeaning things for treats.

It is embarrassing.

Anyway, Glenn Beck has some sort of "Power to the people" thing going with his book and TV show. Mr. Beck simply believes that the free market is the best way to give real substantive power to the people.

I don't know about this Beck character. I am, after all, a dog. My primary concern is the dog world.

In the dog world we don't use Common Sense. Instead, dogs have common areas where we make scents. This approach is called "common scents."

For examnple, we might select a power pole in the dog park. Each time a dog passes the power pole, the dogs will leave a scent mark. This way all of the dogs can find out what's going on just by sniffing around the pole.

It is kind of like blogging, but without a keyboard.

Anyway, Glen Beck says "Power to the People." To find out what the dogs say read the post on sloganeering.

Monday, June 29, 2009

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This blog post intentionally left blank.



Friday, June 26, 2009

Sloganeering

I've been asked to describe some of the differences between canine and human politics.

In human politics, a populist politician will seek out an audience, bully his way to the podium then yell:

"Power to the people."


In canine politics, coyote will slink up the supports for the electric grid crossing the desert. Coyote will raise a hind leg and yip:

"Pee to the power pole."


A different approach, but the results are oddly the same. Of course, this is just basic common scents.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Sink Hole

A large sink hole appeared in my favorite playing field this week. The sink hole must have been created by the near record rains we've received this Spring.

I instructed my human to take pictures. I also had him take a picture of my friend Nemo the Rottweiler. My human just started a photo blog. Hopefully, he will include pictures of the pup. (That's me, I am the pup).

Examining the Sink Hole - Examining the Sink Hole - Coco and Nemo

Monday, June 22, 2009

I Report, You Decide

Several posts ago I issued a cry for help (an amber alert).

I realize that many of my loyal readers were concerned and wondered what happened to the little brown philosophical dog named Coco.

I had intended to write sooner. But things were so jumbled and confused that I needed to distance myself from events before writing. Even worse, there are conflicting stories all swirling around the same known facts.

The long and short of it was that I was kidnapped by cats.

To make matters worse, I have been the subject of an intense disinformation campaign by the same cats aimed at discrediting both me and my humans.

In this post, I will tell you what I experienced first hand. I then tell you what the cats are saying and give my response to the lies spread by the felines.

Titanic's Toy HiltonThe event started several weeks ago when I was on an innocent walk with my humans on State Street in South Salt Lake City.

Why my humans chose to drive to State Street for a walk, I will never know. But humans are strange that way.

We passed a building with a sign saying "Titanic Toy's Hilton."

This store had a big bowl of treats at its front desk.

Knowing how much I love treats, my human was lured into the building. Somehow my human was unaware of the two cats that were slinking around the front office. Had he seen the cats, I am sure we would have avoided the trap.

Anyway, my human gave me one of the treats. He was then distracted by one of the cats. While he was distracted the other cat had a human who was under its control grab me by my leash and tug me off to a back room where they locked me in a four foot by eight foot cell.

I spent the next 20 dog days in that box. There were many other dogs. They were all in boxes similar to my box. They were all being held captive by the evil cats.

I was let out for short walks in a small running space … but no Frisbee.

Cats don't know how to play Frisbee.

The worse part of the experience occurred several dog days into the ordeal. The cats had the humans pull me out of the box. They placed me in a tub and began spraying water all over me. They covered me with a foamy white substance and even got my snout wet.

I have been watching the news; So, I knew exactly what they were doing to me.

They were waterboarding me.

That is right! I was being tortured.

After the waterboarding, the humans, under direct orders of the cats, pulled out a large metal object with hundreds of little points on it. They used the object to pull out my under coat of fur.

Oh, they worked hard pulling out my hair. It was exhausting.

The humans then took another diabolical device with a crimp on the end. One by one they shaved off the tip of each of my toenails.

Oh, they were skilled at their job. They cut of just enough of each claw so that I would know what they did, but they did not cut so deep as to leave a permanent scar.

Now, I know how we all believe that we can be brave and strong and hold up against adversity. Well, I have to tell you that when I was in that tub being waterboarded, I was at the point that I would tell the cats anything to make it stop. I let forth with whimpers, and even released a scent that told the world that a doggie was really scared.

At the end of the waterboading, the humans, still under feline control, hooked up an electronic device that made a really loud whining noise and blew hot air at me.

The cats had the humans cover me with all sorts of herbal scents to hide the panic smell I released.

It was all so scary.

Finally on the twentieth dog day of my captivity (two and a half human days), my humans found me again. Realizing my sorrowful state, they paid the ransom demanded by the cats, and we returned home.

The being held captive by cats was the most traumatic event in my doggie life.

I have tried to get local authorities to close the dognapping operation. My guess is that the cats have bribed or intimidated the local police force.

The conspiracy of the cats seems to run deeper than I had ever imagined.

The worse part is that the cats have been running a disinformation campaign against me. I will briefly present the cat's version of events:

The Cat's Version of Events

The cats say that they did not kidnap me. They say that my humans put me in a kennel then drove up to Boise for a wedding. The cats say that my humans didn't pay a ransom, but paid a boarding fee.

They point to a receipt. But I say documents can be forged.

The really incredible action of the cats is that they have tried to distance themselves from the accusations of waterboardering by using a less incendiary euphemism "grooming."

Whether you choose to call the action "waterboarding," "grooming," or "dog bath,"
it is all the same. It is all a form of torture to me.

Sniffing Around

I want you to know that I did not simply dismiss the cat's claim. I spent many hours sniffing around trying to figure out what happened.

Yes, there were some incriminating smells that seemed to corroborate the cat's story. The shirt of my human smelled of Champaign, and there was cake crumbs in the cuff of his trousers. Furthermore, on the day of the kidnapping, my humans had packed bags with several days of clothes and were dressed in an unusually fine manner.

Since the wedding, my humans have been showing pictures of a niece dressed in a big white gown walking down an aisle with some comedian in a tux.

But I know that they couldn't have just gone off to a wedding and left the dog at home. I know this for a fact because weddings are all about family. The dog is an integral part of the family. They wouldn't have just stuck me in a kennel and gone off to a party.

I am a really good party dog. They wouldn't have just gone off to a party without me!

So, it stands that there are two reports of the same events. As a doggie who is dedicated to the pursuit of the truth, I present both the canine and feline views and leave it for you to decide.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

You are what you eat

Nutritionists often repeat the adage: "You are what you eat."

A corollary to the statement is: "You are what eats you."

For this reason, wolves in the wild feel that they are doing a world of service in chasing down and eating deer, elk, bison and other wild game. After all, becoming a canine is clearly a step up for most all creatures.

On the domestic side of the fence, dogs reason the same and believe that it is appropriate for humans to give dogs big slaps of beef, pork, chicken and other store bought meats. It is, after all, a privilege for these hunks of meat to become part of a dog.

My name is Coco. I am a dog, and I approve this message.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Where's the Frisbee?

One of my favorite games is a thing called "Where's-the-frisbee?"

To play where's-the-frisbee? you need a frisbee, a human, a field with tall grass (preferrably one adjacent to a field with short running grass) and a short memory.

To play where's-the-frisbee you start with a standard game of frisbee on the short running grass. You work the game so that the field with tall grass is blocked from the human's view.

You coax the human into throwing the frisbee toward the field with high grass. You catch the frisbee like normal. Instead of returning the frisbee, you run into the field with high grass and drop the frisbee somewhere.

You then use your short memory to forget the location of the frisbee.

The game is tail-wagging fun.

The human doesn't know where the frisbee is and will call "Where's the fisbee?"

The dog can bound up and down, back and forth in this direction and that.

The human will just be perplexed because he doesn't know where the frisbee is. The human will keep calling "Where's the frisbee?"

I can play "where's-the-frisbee" for hours ... it is so fun.

Of course, sometimes the frisbee is gone forever.

But that doesn't matter. The contract dogs have with humans states clearly that when a doggie toy is lost or destroyed, the human must replace it.


Humans have an indoor version of "Where's the frisbee?" called "Where are my keys?"

This game isn't quite as fun as "where's the frisbee?"

In playing "Where are my keys?" they human will get ready to go somewhere then frantically start asking: "Where are my keys?"

Humans look really funny when they play "Where are my keys, the friggin' keys. they were in my pocket last, OMG, I am going to be late...."

Humans are funny when they've lost their keys. Still, the game is no where near as fun as "where's-the-frisbee?"

My humans have really bad eyesight. Sometimes they play, "where are my glasses?"

"Where-are-my-glasses?" is a fun game to watch because the humans run into things when they don't have their glasses. It is also really funny when the humans are fumbling around feeling for their glasses when they are in plain sight.

Of course, funny is not the same thing as fun. "Where-are-my-glassess" is no where near as fun as "Where's-the-frisbee?"

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Coco On Canine Care

Coco is intrigued with the health care debate.

Coco says that doggies solved their health care problems millennia ago when the dogs decided to evolve humans as servants.

Sadly, no health care plan is perfect. For example, there are some malformed humans—like Michael Vicks—who do more harm to dogs than good.

Even worse, dogs have problems with freeloading cats. Cats know a good thing when they see it and have been trying to hem in on doggie care.

Despite the malformed humans and the troubles with cats, doggies are pretty happy with their decision to evolve humans.

Unfortunately, the system of evolving a lesser species as health care providers can only work once.

Systems where servants have servants rarely pan through.

There can only be one master species.

That master species is the dog.

Coco also questions whether humans have the native intelligence to evolve another species.

As doggie-care won't work for humans, Coco suggests that humans look to other members of the canine family for health care ideas.

It just so happens that wolves are among the best health care providers on the planet.

Wolves are charged with maintaining the health of deer, sheep and other large prey animals.

The wolves do their job well. One cannot help but notice that, when there are healthy wolves in the valley, there are no weak deer.

Wolves believe in a proactive approach to deer health care. The wolves encourage deer to run on a regular basis. They also award those deer most attentive to their surroundings with longer life.

Coco notes that wolf care is surprisingly similar to hospital care.

A talking point of the current health care debate is that biggest chunk of doctor expenses come at the end of life.

It turns out that wolves are most involved in the health care of deer in the final moments of a deer's life.

Just as it is common for humans to part this earth surrounded by doctors, it is common for deer to part this earth surrounded by a pack of wolves.

The parallels between doctors and wolves are uncanny.

Coco has heard the wolves howling at night. Wolves would be more than willing to help humans with their health care challenges. Wolves howl "If you charged the wolves with your health care, we could cull the human herd of its weak and feeble."

Unfortunately, there are all sorts of artificial barriers to wolf care. Human communities seem to be rife with walls, doors, fire, guns, cars and other artificial impediments to wolf-care.

In conclusion, doggies are interested in following the human health care debate. Coco would like to remind humans that, regardless of the path they take to reform, humans should remember that the doggies should come first.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Amber Alert Off

The Amber Alert is off.

This puppy was reunited with its humans.

It's strange. Just when I thought I was on top of the world. My whole world came crashing down and was reduced to a scary dark space.

I will give details on the ordeal later.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Amber Alert!

a cat takes coco hostageHello, I am Coco ... the dog.

I am issuing an Amber Alert.

I was on an innocent walk with my humans when I was dognabbed and secreted away to a nondescript location in the center of town.

Cats are involved.

I repeat.

Cats are involved.

If you find me; Please save me.

I am a dark amber color (chocolate if you like). I wear a collar with the name "Coco."

I was tempted to say I answer to the name "Coco." I find that answering to a call from a human gives them too much power. If I did answer to a name, it would be "Coco."

My time at the computer is limited.

This is a doggie amber alert! I was last seen on State Street in Salt Lake City, Utah.

I knew the cats were up to something. They get up in those trees and. It is all so terribly scary.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Top of the Morning

Top of the morning to you all.

I had a brisk morning walk, and I am feeling on top of the world.

It took awhile, but I finally have started to figure out the groove of these humans. Now that we are in the groove. Things are flowing smoothly.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Human Configurations

One of the hardest decisions of a dog is to determine the right configuration of humans.

When I was just a pup, I thought I would try a configuration with just one human. But I ended up being left by myself for long periods of time.

I tried a configuration with two humans, but I found I did not get enough walks.

Currently I am experimenting with a configuration with three humans. One human feeds me. Another human grooms me and takes me on short walks with tennis ball play. The third human does longer walks with frisbee play.

I have a few auxilery humans that I use for additional walks in the mountain.

I have found that being in a big pack of humans is really fun for a few minutes ... but it gets awfully exhausting.

Anyway. things have been working out okay. I've fallen into a regular pattern

I've been hesitant to say this in public. But I have been feeling on top of the world. I hestitant to say this because, in dog lore, it is bad luck to feel too comfortable.

Time and time it happens that, when a dog thinks she's on top of things, the whole world falls apart.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Just Chillin'

Sometimes I wish my humans would just learn to lick their nose. Point their snout into the wind and chill.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Sleep Problems

I have to apologize for the lack of posts.

I've been suffering from some really wicked sleep problems of late.

My sleep problems have to do with these large pink things that inhabit my house.

Anyway, my house has sections of brown carpet. I happen to be a brown dog. I really like sleeping on the brown carpet because I blend in and feel safe.

So, I will be sleeping contently on the brown carpet in the door way. Invariably, one of the oafish pink humans will stumble along, trip over me, wake me up and ruin my sleep.

I am not sure if other dogs have as many problems with their humans as I have with mine. Humans are just so unpredictable that it is all but imppossible to get in a really good sleep.

Even worse. I will be sleeping comfortably in my chair. The big fat human will actually come and pick me up. Put me on the floor and sit in the chair.

I try sleeping during the day, but the little piece of sun I like to sleep in keeps moving. So every hour or so I have to get up to move back into the sun.

It is hard work being a dog.

I've had so many nights of sleep ruined by the humans that I am at wit's end.

I've started wondering if there was a medicine that could help with the sleep problems. I would appreciate advice on medicine to take for my sleep problems and, of course, I would appreciate advice on tricks to get the humans to take the medicine.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dog Recipes

NOTE FROM THE MANAGEMENT: This post is not for the faint of heart.


Sharing recipes is a favorite activity of bloggers; So, I thought I would share a few of my favorite recipes.

My name is Coco. I am a dog.

Wait a second. When you read the title for this blog post, I hope you didn't think this was a recipe for dog.

This is a collection of recipes by a dog.

Recipes for dog would be just plain wrong. Dogs are too important to go to waist.

Anyway, I though it would be fun to share my favorite recipes.

I am partial to wild game. I find the following recipe works for a variety of game from quail and deer, to antelope and bison. The steps are simple but versatile:

  1. See it.
  2. Kill it.
  3. Eat it.

A few species, such as moles, require special preparation. If you have mole on the menu, you will want to follow these steps:

  1. Sniff it.
  2. Dig it up.
  3. Kill it.
  4. Eat it.

On festive occasions you might want to include the whole pack in the "kill" step of the recipe. This is especially true when the main course is something really fast like an ibex or gazelle.

Chasing down an elk for a feast can really make a pack get together memorable.

The World is My Fondu Pot

Of course, on less formal occasions (or when I am dining alone), I find that any old dead thing will do.

So, if you are in a rush; you might enjoy the following recipe:

  1. Sniff it.*
  2. Eat it.

I put a little star next to the first step. On a very rare occasion, I sniff something that so horrifically foul smelling that I find the very idea of eating it nauseating.

In that rare case, I find I like to roll in it.

If you roll in something foul smelling, you should pee on it afterwards. That way all the other dogs can still figure out who you are.

It is advisable, but not necessary, to roll in something foul before engaging in the "kill" step of my first recipe. Many species of big game have an aversion to being killed. If they smell a dog behind a rock, they will move.

But, if they just get a whiff of a horrid putrescence behind a rock, they will be lulled into thinking that all is well.

I hope you enjoyed my recipes. I love to cook and be my own dog. But, I confess, I am a working dog. I spend most of my day contemplating the inner subtleties of dog philosophy. I also do very important work fetching Frisbees.

This hectic schedule reduces the time I have to do my own cooking.

To stave off starvation, I gathered together a small pack of humans. I've instructed the humans to give me three bowls of kibbles a day, plus scraps from the table, plus multiple handfuls of treats throughout the day.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day Photos

As mentioned in the last post, I was separated from my biological mom at birth.

Being a wonderful creature at heart, I decided to take granny on a walk up Neff Canyon. I placed several photos of our adventure below.

There is water in Neffs during the Spring.

I worry alot about my dainty little paws getting wet when I come across water. When I get wet, I end up tracking mud and dirt in the car and take on a strange odor.

When I come to a stream, there is often a full 1/328th of a second where I consider the consequences of getting wet before diving in the water.

I've noticed that my humans seem to have a harder time accepting the inevitable that wetness happens. Here is a shot of Granny trying to keep her toes from getting wet.

Anyway, I put a few pictures from the walk below. There are also some pictures for flowers from granny's garden.


Coco With a Stick TulipsPoorly Designed StickCoco and StickWaterleafButtercup

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I Remember Mom

Happy Mother's Day!





Although we were separated as a pup, I still remember mom. She was the most glorious and wonderful doggie that I had ever known.

I was from a rather large litter, but she gave us each individual attention and special full body licks.

The thing I remember most about her was her size.

She was as big as a wall.

As big as a wall I tell you!

I've never met a dog as big as she was.

She was a big furry wall with these wonderful fountains of the most delicious tasting white liquid I ever tasted.

It was even better than a meaty bone.

There was so much going on back then that I kind of lost track of how we got separated.

I remember being with mom and with a big pile of other puppies. I remember clutchy grabby pink hands.

The next thing I remember was being all alone.

Sorrowfully alone.

I eventually had to gather together a pack of humans for survival. I've been in survival mode ever since.

Jealous that they never got to feel the love of a mommy dog, the humans engaged in a smear campaign against my mom.

One of the humans even went as far as to say my mom was a bitch!

Can you believe that?

How dare they compare my mom to a cranky woman!

I know, deep in my puppy heart, that my mom was the most wonderful dog ever.

So, wherever she is, I wish mom a Happy Mother's Day.

For that matter, I wish a Happy Mother's Day to all moms of the Mammalia Class ... regardless of of species.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Attention Imbalance

After my last post, I received a great deal of supportive mail from groups interested in the ethical treatment of animals.

Hoping to stem the tide of criticism the humans have decided to release a photo from the image. The following photograph shows my primary human sitting in my chair. As you notice, the munchkin size human is essentially monopolizing the attention of my primary human (the little bundle on the right).

You can see my water bowl and empty food bowl behind the head of the small human.

Yes, my food bowl is empty.

It is empty most of the time.

But what's a dog to do?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Scheme of Things

I am distraught.

I just discovered that, in the scheme of things, a little 12 pound baby human scores several notches above a cute brown 40 pound dog.

My chair, my food bowl, my water bowl were pushed aside to make a comfy space for the little human. When I was introduced to the human pup, the big humans held me back so that I couldn't even get a good sniff of the pup.

They then locked me out of the room.

Can you believe that?

I gave my best whine, but got zero sympathy.

The picture to the right is a stock photo.

I had my human take a picture of the human pup, but the humans would not give me permission to upload the picture of the real baby on my blog.

It's censorship, I tell you.

This whole class distinction between human babies and doggies has me unnerved.

I feel like standing on the porch and barking loudly for no apparent reason.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Easter Update

My last was about my relaxed Easter Morning.

I guess I should tell you the whole Easter story, because Easter Evening was anything but relaxed.

On the wall of our den is a strange coiled snake like thing. The snake thing has a strange survival strategy. It makes a loud ringing noise that the humans find compelling. It will make the ringing noise then spend the next several minutes wrapped around the human's head feeding off their ear.

Anyway, my relaxed Easter was shattered by the ringing sound. The snake thing then wrapped itself around granny's ear for several minutes. After that things got really frantic.

The humans started moving everything around and cleaning up surfaces in the home. Things were thrown in the oven and on the stove.

I was attacked by a vacuum cleaner.

Vacuum cleaners are really scary.

The hectic pace kept up for several hours, then suddenly there was a knock on the door and minutes later the floor was crawling with little humans.

I had smelled most of these humans before, but the two tiniest humans were new to my snout.

There ended up being seven little humans, and six big humans.

The tiniest human was really just the size of a half grown pup. I really didn't know how to respond to the little human. Two other humans held me as I sniffed at it introduction. The tiny human then grabbed both of my floppy ears, the proceeded to do the most bizarre thing.

The tiny human put the tip of my snout in its mouth.

In all of my dog years, none of the humans had put my snout in their mouth.

The other humans laughed and pulled me away.

A little bit latter the tiny human put my front paw in its mouth.

The little humans are scary, but there was a really big Easter meal. I discovered that the little humans were more prone to dropping food than the big humans, so I hung out around the little humans.

It was all very frantic, and I was much relieved when it was all over. But, you know, I think I like being in a big pack of humans.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter

image creditsHappy Easter One and All.

Easter is my favorite holiday of the year. Easter Sunday begins with Easter Egg hunts at the school where I do my daily walks. That means that during the Easter Day walk, I find all sorts of strange colored broken eggs and candies of all variety during my walk.

There is no time for frisbee on Easter, as the park is full of free food.

I am really good at sniffing out free food.

Just a second. My human just informed me that we will walk in the mountains today.

Human, don't you know that there is free food in the park? How could you walk in the mountains when you know that there is free food in the park?

Happy Easter one and all.

Friday, April 10, 2009

A Good Walk Ruined

I wish you knew how much my afternoon walk means to me.

It is the absolute highlight of my day. A dog day is the equivalent to a whole human week!

Anyway, my doltish human is often inattentive (or dare I say neglectful) on our walks.

Today was shaping up to be a great walk. We had just completed the first frisbee fetch and looking forward to a series of fetches when, out of the blue, somebody came and peed on the frisbee.

I have my suspensions about who to blame, but I am not going to name names.

I remember clearly that I had the frisbee firmly in my snout. I dropped it. The next thing I knww was that my human was there holding a peed covered frisbee while making really strange faces and noises.

The frisbee was clearly not in my possession at the time of the crime. I had dropped it (the drop is oh so difficult).

I also have an air tight alibi.

I was off taking a tinkle.

My human was the only other large mammal at the dog park at the moment. I am really sorry, but all of the evidence (and lack of alibi) seem to point toward the human.

Anyway, the walk wasn't all that fun. My frisbee smalled like someone had peed on it ... so I ran off and dug up moles.

This being Good Friday, I will forgive my human the transgression. I hope that he improves his dog walking skills for future walks.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Coco on the Credit Crisis

The talking point of the week is that one in twenty Americans are behind on credit payments at the moment. Conservative pundits are blaming the consumer and the education system that fails to teach basic financial common sense.

I wish to bark in on this issue.

I blame the banks.

I say the banks are at fault. They were so intoxicated with the ability to make money from credit default swaps and derivatives that they failed to realize the loans they made were bad.

Anyway, for the bank clerk charged with credit approval process, I've made a list of indications that should watch for when approving credit.

  1. The application gives the location of a bowl, and not a house address.
  2. The blanks for the three references have a really smelly stain in lieu of names.
  3. I realize that banks are not allowed to do social profiling, but if the applicant has only a first name and that first name is something like "Fido," "Fang," or "Coco."
  4. The application lists a rabies ID tag in the place of a social security number.
  5. The smudge on the signature line is a paw print.
  6. and the card is used to make extremely large purchases from the pet store.

When the above criteria are true, the bank should simply accept that they issued a credit card to a dog. Furthermore, any bank lending money to a dog should not expect to see their money returned.

Finally, in this dog eat bank world, any bank foolish enough to have made loans to a dog should take the money lost out of executive bonuses before crawling to the government for bailouts.

It's basic common sense: If you give a dog a bone; it will get chewed up. If you give a dog a loan; it will get chewed up as well. But, who am I to say. I am just a dog.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I am Horsing Around, of course

A cowboy and his faithful dog were taking a walk on the far side of the pasture when they came across a genie tangled up in the barbed wire.

The genie was in a really bad bind, and it took the cowboy and faithful dog several hours of work to get the genie untangled.

They finished just as dusk was turning into a dark moonless night.

In gratitude for the show of western hospitality, the genie said that he could grant a wish to both the cowboy and dog. The genie turned to the cowboy first and asked: "Brave cowboy, what reward can I give you for your kindness?"

The cowboy thought of the long walk back to the ranch and, without hesitation, said: "I'd like a horse, of course."

A gallant bridled steed appeared. The cowboy jumped onto the saddle and rode off into the sunset.

The genie then turned toward the dog and asked: "What gift can I give you?"

The dog thought of the relentless hunger that gnawed at its ribs and promptly said: "I'd like a course of horse!"

picture of a horse

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Happy April Drools Day

Picture of a Little Greenie
Happy April Drools Day! April Drools is a wonderful event that happens every seven dog years during which the humans give the doggy something that makes the doggy drool.

Humans, being evil monkey creatures, tend to torture the doggy by waving the treat around before giving it to the doggy. My human forced me to wait while he took a picture of the treat.

The little greeny that you see pictured on this page was munched upon and is now safely bouncing around inside my tummy where it belongs.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Wreckage

It was really super windy and cold on the walk today. During the my human and I came across the wreckage below. It was sitting in the middle of the playing field where I do my frisbee fetching.

As you can see by the footprints at the scene, we weren't the first ones to the crash site. Sadly, there was no sign of survivors.

wreckage in a field

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Big Yellow Balloon

© big yellow balloonI was having a really fun time with the new frisbee on my walk today. This new frisbee does this cool thing where it hangs in the air just a bit.

I have to jump really high to fetch it.

During one of my jumps, I saw a really funny thing.

It was a yellow mylar balloon with a happy face floating about 80 feet above the field. The balloon was bobbing back and forth. It looked like a big yellow human head just bobbing in the wind.

I realized that it was too high to fetch; So, I went back to the frisbee.

My human stood their mesmerized by the balloon. He watched the balloon float by and asked me questions like: "How high is that balloon?" or "How fast is it going?"

I always have a hard time translating dog units of measure to human units of measure and couldn't answer (although I knew the answer).

He watched as the balloon flew toward the northern side of Neff Canyon. He wondered if the balloon would just crash into the mountain wall. The balloon got really super tiny as it approach the mountain wall. It looked for a moment like the balloon would just land on the mountainside. The suddenly it caught an up draft and shot several thousand feet into the air and flew over the Wasatch Mountains.

It was a clear day, and my human stood there for like a half hour just watching the balloon.

As for me. I took a break from balloon watching and found a patch of eating grass.

It is sad. My humans just don't feed me enough and my empty ribs spend most of the day echoing with hunger. Sadly, the small amount of energy that I can eke out of a blade of grass is all that stands between this dog and starvation.

Starvation! I tell you.

After the spectacle, we talked about mylar balloons and speculated on where it would end up. We wondered how long will it be until the whole world is covered with lost mylar balloons. We spoke of the tragedy suffered when a person lets go of a balloon and it is gone forever.

The human thinks it will end up in the High Uinta Wilderness area. I think it will float all the way across the continent and land in the Atlantic where it will be swallowed by a whale.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Coco, International Dog of Action

Snow on the SnoutSorry about the snow on my snout.

You see, I am what they call a dog of action. I have places to go and things to sniff and really don't have the time to pose for a proper picture.

As promised, my human has a new camera and will be running along behind me taking pictures of my adventures (if he can keep up).

The uploading of the pictures will take a bit. Man alive are these humans slow. I mean, I could be up to the top of the trail and back in the time it takes them to figure out how to get the pictures out of the camera an onto the net.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Coco Confronts a Big Yellow Cat

Coco

One of my humans just got a new camera which is in the mail and will show up soon. If he can figure out how to use it; you will be seeing more of me in the near future.

I've had many adventures. Most of which have not been properly document. The image titled Coco Confronts a Big Yellow Cat documents a tussle I had with a massive yellow cat on the Neff Canyon Trail.

Then there was the time I was almost killed by a snowplow. I have had many doggie adventures in my day.

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Jaws of Destiny

Imagine that this tennis ball represents the earth.

Now, imagine that my snout represents the jaws of destiny.

With that in mind, human, lets go forth to the dog park and play fetch.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Puppy Love Lost

© Red FoxPuppy love is a fickle thing. In the doggie world, the puppies tell heroic tales of doggies crossing Continents to reunite with lost humans. (Humans are really careless, and they get lost a lot).

Doggie lore is also filled with heart wrenching stories of puppy love lost. Coco presents one of these sad tails tales:

Once upon a time there was a puppy and boy united in a bright green backyard. The boy and puppy would play for hours. They would pull at ropes, and the puppy instructed the boy on throwing a ball.

Sadly the boy was weak-willed and his mind turned to the temptations of the flesh. The puppy, who had turned into a doggie during this time, sniffed the winds and realized that a joyous childhood was coming to an end.

The doggie's mind started wondering what was beyond the chain link fence that separated the backyard from the world.

Thus it stood: The boy was wracked by carnal desires. The doggie heard the distant call of the wild.

Then one day the boy ran off with a foxy lady, and the dog ran off with a lady fox.

The End.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

National Bark Day

The dog down the street named March third as National Bark Day.

National Bark Day is a day when the doggies of the world stand in an upright position, sniff at the air, then bark aimless at the universe.

National bark day happens once or twice a dog year. It serves the important purpose of letting the doggies count the number of the dogs in the neighborhood.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Forests and Trees

I don't know what it was with my human today.

We went on a walk. I was really frustrated about the stock market. So, when I found a stick I really chewed at it.

My human seemed to disapprove and took the stick away, as if humans had the right to disapprove of a dog's actions.

The human wanted me to walk without a stick for a bit. But, I wanted a stick and grabbed the trunk of a sapling. Just as I was starting to tug the roots from the ground, my human grabbed my neck and put on my leash.

I was all growly and frustrated to be treated like this. What does he think I am?

Anyway, we then did the rest of the walk.

Everytime I would pull on my leash, the human would simply stop.

Finally the human stopped for a long pause. During the pause, the human told me to "relax and enjoy the forest. Isn't it a beautiful forest?"

I said: "I can't see the forest. There is a bunch of trees in the way. A doggie should come through here and rip up all of the trees by the root, so that we could see the forest."

My human was then mean and did the rest of the walk with the lease on. It was not until we got to the open field that the human undid the leash so that I could do some running.

This was a frustrating walk, and I really need to sit in the sunny part of the house and chew a bone for awhile.

Friday, February 27, 2009

The Puppy Simulus Package

The doggie community is extremely worried about the impending economic collapse.

There's been a great deal of bark in the dog park about ways to stimulate the economy.

Humans have a strange plan where they intend to stop a credit crisis by borrowing and spending. This is as silly as putting pork in the spending bill.

The doggies have a better plan. We plan to stimulate the economy by producing extremely large numbers of puppies.

Puppies stimulate the economy in a number of creative ways. Well, most of the ways involve the fact that puppies run around all over the place and have really sharp teeth.

For example, after a pack of humans takes on a new puppy, it is likely that the humans will need to get a new couch, a new carpet, and will to replace chewed up pairs of glasses, shoelaces, books and other things sitting around the house.

Puppies also consume prodigious amounts of kibbles. Our eating bags and bags of kibbles produce jobs at the kibble making factory.

In a direct way, puppies stimulate the economy by needing multiple walks a day and expensive visits to the vet.

Speaking of vets: if you take your puppy to the vet; don't let the vet talk you into "fixing" your puppy. Fixing pets interferes with our plans to create billions of puppies. We can only stimulate the economy if every puppy is at its reproductive best.

Anyway, that's the doggie plan.

NOTE: The opinions expressed in this blog are those of a dog. The opinion of Coco's human is that animals are often the first to suffer in an economic downturn; so it is more important than ever to spay and neuter. We want all doggies to have a full bowl of kibbles.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Important Kitty Video

I (Coco the dog) approve of the following video and the good work of the Rocky Mountain Alley Cat Alliance of Denver.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Fashion Scents

© woman walking dog photoHumans have an odd sense of fashion.

Dogs do it better. As dogs are wise, we simply choose one outfit at birth. That outfit will pretty much last us through our entire lives. Best of all, we will always look great.

Humans, on the other hand, look silly when naked. Consequently, humans spend a great deal of effort trying to cover up their inherent deficiencies by spending gobs and gobs on clothes. Despite their effort, they never achieve the natural balance that comes with being a dog.

Speaking of balance, one of the strangest fashions devised by humans is a torture device called the spiked heel.

Spiked heels are these long claw like things on the heels of certain women's shoes. They really mess up the human's balance. The bark in the dog park is that when women wear these devices, the dog need simply give a tug on the leash and the human will be splayed on the ground.

Spiked heels are silly.

Personally, I prefer spiked toes.

With spiked toes I have traction on ice. The spiked toes lets me quickly change direction on grass or snow so that I can always catch the frisbee.

I love playing frisbee.

Spiked toes are really useful when walking through a stream, or scrambling up a hill. They also make a really unique clickity-click sound when I walk on the pavement between the dog park and house.

Having spike toes means I leave very disctinctive paw prints.

My money grubbing human asked me to point out that The Naturalizer and The Walking Company are stores that sell comfortable walking shoes!

In conclusion. Spiked heels are foolish. Spiked toes are wise. Coco is noted for her wisdom.