Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Cheerios

CheeriosToday's post would be humorous; if it weren't so pathetic.

Anyway, dogs have a contract with humans that states (quite clearly, I might add) that humans were put on the planet to feed dogs.

The contract is clear about the feeding of dogs. The problem is that the contract isn't quite as clear on exactly what humans should feed dogs. When we signed the contract, we assumed the humans would be feeding us bison, elk, salmon, whale and other yummy things.

Humans, it turns out, are lazy and cunning and try to get away with feeding dogs non foods.

In the picture to the right, my human had the temerity to toss me doughnut shaped bit of rolled oats as if such a thing were food.

He tossed the little "O" shaped morsel in the same way that he tosses treats; However, I saw in mid air that the thing was not a piece of food. It was a piece of non-food shaped in the topological form of a torus.

Rather than chomping down on the O, I instinctively averted my snout and thing landed on my back.

I was not fooled. The picture is proof of my wisdom.

It is sad though. The humans think that if they give the doggies non-foods, they will be able to keep all of the real foods for themselves.

It is actually quite pathetic. My human makes great show of eating all sorts of non-foods in a concerted effort to fool me. My human will fill a whole bowl full of these "O"s then just in an effort to convince me they are food.

My human has tried to convince me that a number of inanimate objects are foods including: carrots, bananas, tofu, lettuce, zucchini, olives, etc..

It doesn't take even half a sniff to know an olive is not food

Of course, some of the things humans give me don't smell like food, but are food.

They gave me a hunk of watermelon. I was absolutely convinced it was not food. They put it on my tongue and coaxed me to shut my mouth. My whole snout exploded with cool watery goodness. Although the watermelon itself is not really food, the watery goodness makes it a snout full of pleasure.

When the weight of one's tongue is greater than the weight of one's brain, an explosion of watery goodness is something wonderful to behold.

One time they gave me a little bowl with a non-food strawberry in it. They also placed a tiny piece of sponge cake and a dollop of whip cream in the bowl.

I knew the strawberry wasn't food. But I ate the whole concoction and there was this wonderful dancing of super sour and super sweet on my tongue.

In conclusion, one cannot trust humans. They try to fill our doggie tummies with non-foods while keeping all of the steaks and wild game to themselves.

Dr. Wysong, please save me!

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