Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Scheme of Things

I am distraught.

I just discovered that, in the scheme of things, a little 12 pound baby human scores several notches above a cute brown 40 pound dog.

My chair, my food bowl, my water bowl were pushed aside to make a comfy space for the little human. When I was introduced to the human pup, the big humans held me back so that I couldn't even get a good sniff of the pup.

They then locked me out of the room.

Can you believe that?

I gave my best whine, but got zero sympathy.

The picture to the right is a stock photo.

I had my human take a picture of the human pup, but the humans would not give me permission to upload the picture of the real baby on my blog.

It's censorship, I tell you.

This whole class distinction between human babies and doggies has me unnerved.

I feel like standing on the porch and barking loudly for no apparent reason.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Easter Update

My last was about my relaxed Easter Morning.

I guess I should tell you the whole Easter story, because Easter Evening was anything but relaxed.

On the wall of our den is a strange coiled snake like thing. The snake thing has a strange survival strategy. It makes a loud ringing noise that the humans find compelling. It will make the ringing noise then spend the next several minutes wrapped around the human's head feeding off their ear.

Anyway, my relaxed Easter was shattered by the ringing sound. The snake thing then wrapped itself around granny's ear for several minutes. After that things got really frantic.

The humans started moving everything around and cleaning up surfaces in the home. Things were thrown in the oven and on the stove.

I was attacked by a vacuum cleaner.

Vacuum cleaners are really scary.

The hectic pace kept up for several hours, then suddenly there was a knock on the door and minutes later the floor was crawling with little humans.

I had smelled most of these humans before, but the two tiniest humans were new to my snout.

There ended up being seven little humans, and six big humans.

The tiniest human was really just the size of a half grown pup. I really didn't know how to respond to the little human. Two other humans held me as I sniffed at it introduction. The tiny human then grabbed both of my floppy ears, the proceeded to do the most bizarre thing.

The tiny human put the tip of my snout in its mouth.

In all of my dog years, none of the humans had put my snout in their mouth.

The other humans laughed and pulled me away.

A little bit latter the tiny human put my front paw in its mouth.

The little humans are scary, but there was a really big Easter meal. I discovered that the little humans were more prone to dropping food than the big humans, so I hung out around the little humans.

It was all very frantic, and I was much relieved when it was all over. But, you know, I think I like being in a big pack of humans.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter

image creditsHappy Easter One and All.

Easter is my favorite holiday of the year. Easter Sunday begins with Easter Egg hunts at the school where I do my daily walks. That means that during the Easter Day walk, I find all sorts of strange colored broken eggs and candies of all variety during my walk.

There is no time for frisbee on Easter, as the park is full of free food.

I am really good at sniffing out free food.

Just a second. My human just informed me that we will walk in the mountains today.

Human, don't you know that there is free food in the park? How could you walk in the mountains when you know that there is free food in the park?

Happy Easter one and all.

Friday, April 10, 2009

A Good Walk Ruined

I wish you knew how much my afternoon walk means to me.

It is the absolute highlight of my day. A dog day is the equivalent to a whole human week!

Anyway, my doltish human is often inattentive (or dare I say neglectful) on our walks.

Today was shaping up to be a great walk. We had just completed the first frisbee fetch and looking forward to a series of fetches when, out of the blue, somebody came and peed on the frisbee.

I have my suspensions about who to blame, but I am not going to name names.

I remember clearly that I had the frisbee firmly in my snout. I dropped it. The next thing I knww was that my human was there holding a peed covered frisbee while making really strange faces and noises.

The frisbee was clearly not in my possession at the time of the crime. I had dropped it (the drop is oh so difficult).

I also have an air tight alibi.

I was off taking a tinkle.

My human was the only other large mammal at the dog park at the moment. I am really sorry, but all of the evidence (and lack of alibi) seem to point toward the human.

Anyway, the walk wasn't all that fun. My frisbee smalled like someone had peed on it ... so I ran off and dug up moles.

This being Good Friday, I will forgive my human the transgression. I hope that he improves his dog walking skills for future walks.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Coco on the Credit Crisis

The talking point of the week is that one in twenty Americans are behind on credit payments at the moment. Conservative pundits are blaming the consumer and the education system that fails to teach basic financial common sense.

I wish to bark in on this issue.

I blame the banks.

I say the banks are at fault. They were so intoxicated with the ability to make money from credit default swaps and derivatives that they failed to realize the loans they made were bad.

Anyway, for the bank clerk charged with credit approval process, I've made a list of indications that should watch for when approving credit.

  1. The application gives the location of a bowl, and not a house address.
  2. The blanks for the three references have a really smelly stain in lieu of names.
  3. I realize that banks are not allowed to do social profiling, but if the applicant has only a first name and that first name is something like "Fido," "Fang," or "Coco."
  4. The application lists a rabies ID tag in the place of a social security number.
  5. The smudge on the signature line is a paw print.
  6. and the card is used to make extremely large purchases from the pet store.

When the above criteria are true, the bank should simply accept that they issued a credit card to a dog. Furthermore, any bank lending money to a dog should not expect to see their money returned.

Finally, in this dog eat bank world, any bank foolish enough to have made loans to a dog should take the money lost out of executive bonuses before crawling to the government for bailouts.

It's basic common sense: If you give a dog a bone; it will get chewed up. If you give a dog a loan; it will get chewed up as well. But, who am I to say. I am just a dog.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I am Horsing Around, of course

A cowboy and his faithful dog were taking a walk on the far side of the pasture when they came across a genie tangled up in the barbed wire.

The genie was in a really bad bind, and it took the cowboy and faithful dog several hours of work to get the genie untangled.

They finished just as dusk was turning into a dark moonless night.

In gratitude for the show of western hospitality, the genie said that he could grant a wish to both the cowboy and dog. The genie turned to the cowboy first and asked: "Brave cowboy, what reward can I give you for your kindness?"

The cowboy thought of the long walk back to the ranch and, without hesitation, said: "I'd like a horse, of course."

A gallant bridled steed appeared. The cowboy jumped onto the saddle and rode off into the sunset.

The genie then turned toward the dog and asked: "What gift can I give you?"

The dog thought of the relentless hunger that gnawed at its ribs and promptly said: "I'd like a course of horse!"

picture of a horse

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Happy April Drools Day

Picture of a Little Greenie
Happy April Drools Day! April Drools is a wonderful event that happens every seven dog years during which the humans give the doggy something that makes the doggy drool.

Humans, being evil monkey creatures, tend to torture the doggy by waving the treat around before giving it to the doggy. My human forced me to wait while he took a picture of the treat.

The little greeny that you see pictured on this page was munched upon and is now safely bouncing around inside my tummy where it belongs.