I Report, You Decide

Several posts ago I issued a cry for help (an amber alert).

I realize that many of my loyal readers were concerned and wondered what happened to the little brown philosophical dog named Coco.

I had intended to write sooner. But things were so jumbled and confused that I needed to distance myself from events before writing. Even worse, there are conflicting stories all swirling around the same known facts.

The long and short of it was that I was kidnapped by cats.

To make matters worse, I have been the subject of an intense disinformation campaign by the same cats aimed at discrediting both me and my humans.

In this post, I will tell you what I experienced first hand. I then tell you what the cats are saying and give my response to the lies spread by the felines.

The event started several weeks ago when I was on an innocent walk with my humans on State Street in South Salt Lake City.

Why my humans chose to drive to State Street for a walk, I will never know. But humans are strange that way.

We passed a building with a sign saying "Titanic Toy's Hilton."

This store had a big bowl of treats at its front desk.

Knowing how much I love treats, my human was lured into the building. Somehow my human was unaware of the two cats that were slinking around the front office. Had he seen the cats, I am sure we would have avoided the trap.

Anyway, my human gave me one of the treats. He was then distracted by one of the cats. While he was distracted the other cat had a human who was under its control grab me by my leash and tug me off to a back room where they locked me in a four foot by eight foot cell.

I spent the next 20 dog days in that box. There were many other dogs. They were all in boxes similar to my box. They were all being held captive by the evil cats.

I was let out for short walks in a small running space … but no Frisbee.

Cats don't know how to play Frisbee.

The worse part of the experience occurred several dog days into the ordeal. The cats had the humans pull me out of the box. They placed me in a tub and began spraying water all over me. They covered me with a foamy white substance and even got my snout wet.

I have been watching the news; So, I knew exactly what they were doing to me.

They were waterboarding me.

That is right! I was being tortured.

After the waterboarding, the humans, under direct orders of the cats, pulled out a large metal object with hundreds of little points on it. They used the object to pull out my under coat of fur.

Oh, they worked hard pulling out my hair. It was exhausting.

The humans then took another diabolical device with a crimp on the end. One by one they shaved off the tip of each of my toenails.

Oh, they were skilled at their job. They cut of just enough of each claw so that I would know what they did, but they did not cut so deep as to leave a permanent scar.

Now, I know how we all believe that we can be brave and strong and hold up against adversity. Well, I have to tell you that when I was in that tub being waterboarded, I was at the point that I would tell the cats anything to make it stop. I let forth with whimpers, and even released a scent that told the world that a doggie was really scared.

At the end of the waterboading, the humans, still under feline control, hooked up an electronic device that made a really loud whining noise and blew hot air at me.

The cats had the humans cover me with all sorts of herbal scents to hide the panic smell I released.

It was all so scary.

Finally on the twentieth dog day of my captivity (two and a half human days), my humans found me again. Realizing my sorrowful state, they paid the ransom demanded by the cats, and we returned home.

The being held captive by cats was the most traumatic event in my doggie life.

I have tried to get local authorities to close the dognapping operation. My guess is that the cats have bribed or intimidated the local police force.

The conspiracy of the cats seems to run deeper than I had ever imagined.

The worse part is that the cats have been running a disinformation campaign against me. I will briefly present the cat's version of events:

The Cat's Version of Events

The cats say that they did not kidnap me. They say that my humans put me in a kennel then drove up to Boise for a wedding. The cats say that my humans didn't pay a ransom, but paid a boarding fee.

They point to a receipt. But I say documents can be forged.

The really incredible action of the cats is that they have tried to distance themselves from the accusations of waterboardering by using a less incendiary euphemism "grooming."

Whether you choose to call the action "waterboarding," "grooming," or "dog bath,"
it is all the same. It is all a form of torture to me.

Sniffing Around

I want you to know that I did not simply dismiss the cat's claim. I spent many hours sniffing around trying to figure out what happened.

Yes, there were some incriminating smells that seemed to corroborate the cat's story. The shirt of my human smelled of Champaign, and there was cake crumbs in the cuff of his trousers. Furthermore, on the day of the kidnapping, my humans had packed bags with several days of clothes and were dressed in an unusually fine manner.

Since the wedding, my humans have been showing pictures of a niece dressed in a big white gown walking down an aisle with some comedian in a tux.

But I know that they couldn't have just gone off to a wedding and left the dog at home. I know this for a fact because weddings are all about family. The dog is an integral part of the family. They wouldn't have just stuck me in a kennel and gone off to a party.

I am a really good party dog. They wouldn't have just gone off to a party without me!

So, it stands that there are two reports of the same events. As a doggie who is dedicated to the pursuit of the truth, I present both the canine and feline views and leave it for you to decide.