Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Sloganeering
I've been asked to describe some of the differences between canine and human politics.
In human politics, a populist politician will seek out an audience, bully his way to the podium then yell:
"Power to the people."
In canine politics, coyote will slink up the supports for the electric grid crossing the desert. Coyote will raise a hind leg and yip:
"Pee to the power pole."
A different approach, but the results are oddly the same. Of course, this is just basic common scents.
In human politics, a populist politician will seek out an audience, bully his way to the podium then yell:
In canine politics, coyote will slink up the supports for the electric grid crossing the desert. Coyote will raise a hind leg and yip:
A different approach, but the results are oddly the same. Of course, this is just basic common scents.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sink Hole
A large sink hole appeared in my favorite playing field this week. The sink hole must have been created by the near record rains we've received this Spring.
I instructed my human to take pictures. I also had him take a picture of my friend Nemo the Rottweiler. My human just started a photo blog. Hopefully, he will include pictures of the pup. (That's me, I am the pup).
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I instructed my human to take pictures. I also had him take a picture of my friend Nemo the Rottweiler. My human just started a photo blog. Hopefully, he will include pictures of the pup. (That's me, I am the pup).
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Monday, June 22, 2009
I Report, You Decide
Several posts ago I issued a cry for help (an amber alert).
I realize that many of my loyal readers were concerned and wondered what happened to the little brown philosophical dog named Coco.
I had intended to write sooner. But things were so jumbled and confused that I needed to distance myself from events before writing. Even worse, there are conflicting stories all swirling around the same known facts.
The long and short of it was that I was kidnapped by cats.
To make matters worse, I have been the subject of an intense disinformation campaign by the same cats aimed at discrediting both me and my humans.
In this post, I will tell you what I experienced first hand. I then tell you what the cats are saying and give my response to the lies spread by the felines.
The event started several weeks ago when I was on an innocent walk with my humans on State Street in South Salt Lake City.
Why my humans chose to drive to State Street for a walk, I will never know. But humans are strange that way.
We passed a building with a sign saying "Titanic Toy's Hilton."
This store had a big bowl of treats at its front desk.
Knowing how much I love treats, my human was lured into the building. Somehow my human was unaware of the two cats that were slinking around the front office. Had he seen the cats, I am sure we would have avoided the trap.
Anyway, my human gave me one of the treats. He was then distracted by one of the cats. While he was distracted the other cat had a human who was under its control grab me by my leash and tug me off to a back room where they locked me in a four foot by eight foot cell.
I spent the next 20 dog days in that box. There were many other dogs. They were all in boxes similar to my box. They were all being held captive by the evil cats.
I was let out for short walks in a small running space … but no Frisbee.
Cats don't know how to play Frisbee.
The worse part of the experience occurred several dog days into the ordeal. The cats had the humans pull me out of the box. They placed me in a tub and began spraying water all over me. They covered me with a foamy white substance and even got my snout wet.
I have been watching the news; So, I knew exactly what they were doing to me.
They were waterboarding me.
That is right! I was being tortured.
After the waterboarding, the humans, under direct orders of the cats, pulled out a large metal object with hundreds of little points on it. They used the object to pull out my under coat of fur.
Oh, they worked hard pulling out my hair. It was exhausting.
The humans then took another diabolical device with a crimp on the end. One by one they shaved off the tip of each of my toenails.
Oh, they were skilled at their job. They cut of just enough of each claw so that I would know what they did, but they did not cut so deep as to leave a permanent scar.
Now, I know how we all believe that we can be brave and strong and hold up against adversity. Well, I have to tell you that when I was in that tub being waterboarded, I was at the point that I would tell the cats anything to make it stop. I let forth with whimpers, and even released a scent that told the world that a doggie was really scared.
At the end of the waterboading, the humans, still under feline control, hooked up an electronic device that made a really loud whining noise and blew hot air at me.
The cats had the humans cover me with all sorts of herbal scents to hide the panic smell I released.
It was all so scary.
Finally on the twentieth dog day of my captivity (two and a half human days), my humans found me again. Realizing my sorrowful state, they paid the ransom demanded by the cats, and we returned home.
The being held captive by cats was the most traumatic event in my doggie life.
I have tried to get local authorities to close the dognapping operation. My guess is that the cats have bribed or intimidated the local police force.
The conspiracy of the cats seems to run deeper than I had ever imagined.
The worse part is that the cats have been running a disinformation campaign against me. I will briefly present the cat's version of events:
They point to a receipt. But I say documents can be forged.
The really incredible action of the cats is that they have tried to distance themselves from the accusations of waterboardering by using a less incendiary euphemism "grooming."
Whether you choose to call the action "waterboarding," "grooming," or "dog bath,"
it is all the same. It is all a form of torture to me.
Yes, there were some incriminating smells that seemed to corroborate the cat's story. The shirt of my human smelled of Champaign, and there was cake crumbs in the cuff of his trousers. Furthermore, on the day of the kidnapping, my humans had packed bags with several days of clothes and were dressed in an unusually fine manner.
Since the wedding, my humans have been showing pictures of a niece dressed in a big white gown walking down an aisle with some comedian in a tux.
But I know that they couldn't have just gone off to a wedding and left the dog at home. I know this for a fact because weddings are all about family. The dog is an integral part of the family. They wouldn't have just stuck me in a kennel and gone off to a party.
I am a really good party dog. They wouldn't have just gone off to a party without me!
So, it stands that there are two reports of the same events. As a doggie who is dedicated to the pursuit of the truth, I present both the canine and feline views and leave it for you to decide.
I realize that many of my loyal readers were concerned and wondered what happened to the little brown philosophical dog named Coco.
I had intended to write sooner. But things were so jumbled and confused that I needed to distance myself from events before writing. Even worse, there are conflicting stories all swirling around the same known facts.
The long and short of it was that I was kidnapped by cats.
To make matters worse, I have been the subject of an intense disinformation campaign by the same cats aimed at discrediting both me and my humans.
In this post, I will tell you what I experienced first hand. I then tell you what the cats are saying and give my response to the lies spread by the felines.
The event started several weeks ago when I was on an innocent walk with my humans on State Street in South Salt Lake City.Why my humans chose to drive to State Street for a walk, I will never know. But humans are strange that way.
We passed a building with a sign saying "Titanic Toy's Hilton."
This store had a big bowl of treats at its front desk.
Knowing how much I love treats, my human was lured into the building. Somehow my human was unaware of the two cats that were slinking around the front office. Had he seen the cats, I am sure we would have avoided the trap.
Anyway, my human gave me one of the treats. He was then distracted by one of the cats. While he was distracted the other cat had a human who was under its control grab me by my leash and tug me off to a back room where they locked me in a four foot by eight foot cell.
I spent the next 20 dog days in that box. There were many other dogs. They were all in boxes similar to my box. They were all being held captive by the evil cats.
I was let out for short walks in a small running space … but no Frisbee.
Cats don't know how to play Frisbee.
The worse part of the experience occurred several dog days into the ordeal. The cats had the humans pull me out of the box. They placed me in a tub and began spraying water all over me. They covered me with a foamy white substance and even got my snout wet.
I have been watching the news; So, I knew exactly what they were doing to me.
They were waterboarding me.
That is right! I was being tortured.
After the waterboarding, the humans, under direct orders of the cats, pulled out a large metal object with hundreds of little points on it. They used the object to pull out my under coat of fur.
Oh, they worked hard pulling out my hair. It was exhausting.
The humans then took another diabolical device with a crimp on the end. One by one they shaved off the tip of each of my toenails.
Oh, they were skilled at their job. They cut of just enough of each claw so that I would know what they did, but they did not cut so deep as to leave a permanent scar.
Now, I know how we all believe that we can be brave and strong and hold up against adversity. Well, I have to tell you that when I was in that tub being waterboarded, I was at the point that I would tell the cats anything to make it stop. I let forth with whimpers, and even released a scent that told the world that a doggie was really scared.
At the end of the waterboading, the humans, still under feline control, hooked up an electronic device that made a really loud whining noise and blew hot air at me.
The cats had the humans cover me with all sorts of herbal scents to hide the panic smell I released.
It was all so scary.
Finally on the twentieth dog day of my captivity (two and a half human days), my humans found me again. Realizing my sorrowful state, they paid the ransom demanded by the cats, and we returned home.
The being held captive by cats was the most traumatic event in my doggie life.
I have tried to get local authorities to close the dognapping operation. My guess is that the cats have bribed or intimidated the local police force.
The conspiracy of the cats seems to run deeper than I had ever imagined.
The worse part is that the cats have been running a disinformation campaign against me. I will briefly present the cat's version of events:
The Cat's Version of Events
The cats say that they did not kidnap me. They say that my humans put me in a kennel then drove up to Boise for a wedding. The cats say that my humans didn't pay a ransom, but paid a boarding fee.They point to a receipt. But I say documents can be forged.
The really incredible action of the cats is that they have tried to distance themselves from the accusations of waterboardering by using a less incendiary euphemism "grooming."
Whether you choose to call the action "waterboarding," "grooming," or "dog bath,"
it is all the same. It is all a form of torture to me.
Sniffing Around
I want you to know that I did not simply dismiss the cat's claim. I spent many hours sniffing around trying to figure out what happened.Yes, there were some incriminating smells that seemed to corroborate the cat's story. The shirt of my human smelled of Champaign, and there was cake crumbs in the cuff of his trousers. Furthermore, on the day of the kidnapping, my humans had packed bags with several days of clothes and were dressed in an unusually fine manner.
Since the wedding, my humans have been showing pictures of a niece dressed in a big white gown walking down an aisle with some comedian in a tux.
But I know that they couldn't have just gone off to a wedding and left the dog at home. I know this for a fact because weddings are all about family. The dog is an integral part of the family. They wouldn't have just stuck me in a kennel and gone off to a party.
I am a really good party dog. They wouldn't have just gone off to a party without me!
So, it stands that there are two reports of the same events. As a doggie who is dedicated to the pursuit of the truth, I present both the canine and feline views and leave it for you to decide.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
You are what you eat
Nutritionists often repeat the adage: "You are what you eat."
A corollary to the statement is: "You are what eats you."
For this reason, wolves in the wild feel that they are doing a world of service in chasing down and eating deer, elk, bison and other wild game. After all, becoming a canine is clearly a step up for most all creatures.
On the domestic side of the fence, dogs reason the same and believe that it is appropriate for humans to give dogs big slaps of beef, pork, chicken and other store bought meats. It is, after all, a privilege for these hunks of meat to become part of a dog.
My name is Coco. I am a dog, and I approve this message.
A corollary to the statement is: "You are what eats you."
For this reason, wolves in the wild feel that they are doing a world of service in chasing down and eating deer, elk, bison and other wild game. After all, becoming a canine is clearly a step up for most all creatures.
On the domestic side of the fence, dogs reason the same and believe that it is appropriate for humans to give dogs big slaps of beef, pork, chicken and other store bought meats. It is, after all, a privilege for these hunks of meat to become part of a dog.
My name is Coco. I am a dog, and I approve this message.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Where's the Frisbee?
One of my favorite games is a thing called "Where's-the-frisbee?"
To play where's-the-frisbee? you need a frisbee, a human, a field with tall grass (preferrably one adjacent to a field with short running grass) and a short memory.
To play where's-the-frisbee you start with a standard game of frisbee on the short running grass. You work the game so that the field with tall grass is blocked from the human's view.
You coax the human into throwing the frisbee toward the field with high grass. You catch the frisbee like normal. Instead of returning the frisbee, you run into the field with high grass and drop the frisbee somewhere.
You then use your short memory to forget the location of the frisbee.
The game is tail-wagging fun.
The human doesn't know where the frisbee is and will call "Where's the fisbee?"
The dog can bound up and down, back and forth in this direction and that.
The human will just be perplexed because he doesn't know where the frisbee is. The human will keep calling "Where's the frisbee?"
I can play "where's-the-frisbee" for hours ... it is so fun.
Of course, sometimes the frisbee is gone forever.
But that doesn't matter. The contract dogs have with humans states clearly that when a doggie toy is lost or destroyed, the human must replace it.
Humans have an indoor version of "Where's the frisbee?" called "Where are my keys?"
This game isn't quite as fun as "where's the frisbee?"
In playing "Where are my keys?" they human will get ready to go somewhere then frantically start asking: "Where are my keys?"
Humans look really funny when they play "Where are my keys, the friggin' keys. they were in my pocket last, OMG, I am going to be late...."
Humans are funny when they've lost their keys. Still, the game is no where near as fun as "where's-the-frisbee?"
My humans have really bad eyesight. Sometimes they play, "where are my glasses?"
"Where-are-my-glasses?" is a fun game to watch because the humans run into things when they don't have their glasses. It is also really funny when the humans are fumbling around feeling for their glasses when they are in plain sight.
Of course, funny is not the same thing as fun. "Where-are-my-glassess" is no where near as fun as "Where's-the-frisbee?"
To play where's-the-frisbee? you need a frisbee, a human, a field with tall grass (preferrably one adjacent to a field with short running grass) and a short memory.
To play where's-the-frisbee you start with a standard game of frisbee on the short running grass. You work the game so that the field with tall grass is blocked from the human's view.
You coax the human into throwing the frisbee toward the field with high grass. You catch the frisbee like normal. Instead of returning the frisbee, you run into the field with high grass and drop the frisbee somewhere.
You then use your short memory to forget the location of the frisbee.
The game is tail-wagging fun.
The human doesn't know where the frisbee is and will call "Where's the fisbee?"
The dog can bound up and down, back and forth in this direction and that.
The human will just be perplexed because he doesn't know where the frisbee is. The human will keep calling "Where's the frisbee?"
I can play "where's-the-frisbee" for hours ... it is so fun.
Of course, sometimes the frisbee is gone forever.
But that doesn't matter. The contract dogs have with humans states clearly that when a doggie toy is lost or destroyed, the human must replace it.
Humans have an indoor version of "Where's the frisbee?" called "Where are my keys?"
This game isn't quite as fun as "where's the frisbee?"
In playing "Where are my keys?" they human will get ready to go somewhere then frantically start asking: "Where are my keys?"
Humans look really funny when they play "Where are my keys, the friggin' keys. they were in my pocket last, OMG, I am going to be late...."
Humans are funny when they've lost their keys. Still, the game is no where near as fun as "where's-the-frisbee?"
My humans have really bad eyesight. Sometimes they play, "where are my glasses?"
"Where-are-my-glasses?" is a fun game to watch because the humans run into things when they don't have their glasses. It is also really funny when the humans are fumbling around feeling for their glasses when they are in plain sight.
Of course, funny is not the same thing as fun. "Where-are-my-glassess" is no where near as fun as "Where's-the-frisbee?"
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Coco On Canine Care
Coco is intrigued with the health care debate.
Coco says that doggies solved their health care problems millennia ago when the dogs decided to evolve humans as servants.
Sadly, no health care plan is perfect. For example, there are some malformed humans—like Michael Vicks—who do more harm to dogs than good.
Even worse, dogs have problems with freeloading cats. Cats know a good thing when they see it and have been trying to hem in on doggie care.
Despite the malformed humans and the troubles with cats, doggies are pretty happy with their decision to evolve humans.
Unfortunately, the system of evolving a lesser species as health care providers can only work once.
Systems where servants have servants rarely pan through.
There can only be one master species.
That master species is the dog.
Coco also questions whether humans have the native intelligence to evolve another species.
As doggie-care won't work for humans, Coco suggests that humans look to other members of the canine family for health care ideas.
It just so happens that wolves are among the best health care providers on the planet.
Wolves are charged with maintaining the health of deer, sheep and other large prey animals.
The wolves do their job well. One cannot help but notice that, when there are healthy wolves in the valley, there are no weak deer.
Wolves believe in a proactive approach to deer health care. The wolves encourage deer to run on a regular basis. They also award those deer most attentive to their surroundings with longer life.
Coco notes that wolf care is surprisingly similar to hospital care.
A talking point of the current health care debate is that biggest chunk of doctor expenses come at the end of life.
It turns out that wolves are most involved in the health care of deer in the final moments of a deer's life.
Just as it is common for humans to part this earth surrounded by doctors, it is common for deer to part this earth surrounded by a pack of wolves.
The parallels between doctors and wolves are uncanny.
Coco has heard the wolves howling at night. Wolves would be more than willing to help humans with their health care challenges. Wolves howl "If you charged the wolves with your health care, we could cull the human herd of its weak and feeble."
Unfortunately, there are all sorts of artificial barriers to wolf care. Human communities seem to be rife with walls, doors, fire, guns, cars and other artificial impediments to wolf-care.
In conclusion, doggies are interested in following the human health care debate. Coco would like to remind humans that, regardless of the path they take to reform, humans should remember that the doggies should come first.
Coco says that doggies solved their health care problems millennia ago when the dogs decided to evolve humans as servants.
Sadly, no health care plan is perfect. For example, there are some malformed humans—like Michael Vicks—who do more harm to dogs than good.
Even worse, dogs have problems with freeloading cats. Cats know a good thing when they see it and have been trying to hem in on doggie care.
Despite the malformed humans and the troubles with cats, doggies are pretty happy with their decision to evolve humans.
Unfortunately, the system of evolving a lesser species as health care providers can only work once.
Systems where servants have servants rarely pan through.
There can only be one master species.
That master species is the dog.
Coco also questions whether humans have the native intelligence to evolve another species.
As doggie-care won't work for humans, Coco suggests that humans look to other members of the canine family for health care ideas.
It just so happens that wolves are among the best health care providers on the planet.
Wolves are charged with maintaining the health of deer, sheep and other large prey animals.
The wolves do their job well. One cannot help but notice that, when there are healthy wolves in the valley, there are no weak deer.
Wolves believe in a proactive approach to deer health care. The wolves encourage deer to run on a regular basis. They also award those deer most attentive to their surroundings with longer life.
Coco notes that wolf care is surprisingly similar to hospital care.
A talking point of the current health care debate is that biggest chunk of doctor expenses come at the end of life.
It turns out that wolves are most involved in the health care of deer in the final moments of a deer's life.
Just as it is common for humans to part this earth surrounded by doctors, it is common for deer to part this earth surrounded by a pack of wolves.
The parallels between doctors and wolves are uncanny.
Coco has heard the wolves howling at night. Wolves would be more than willing to help humans with their health care challenges. Wolves howl "If you charged the wolves with your health care, we could cull the human herd of its weak and feeble."
Unfortunately, there are all sorts of artificial barriers to wolf care. Human communities seem to be rife with walls, doors, fire, guns, cars and other artificial impediments to wolf-care.
In conclusion, doggies are interested in following the human health care debate. Coco would like to remind humans that, regardless of the path they take to reform, humans should remember that the doggies should come first.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Amber Alert Off
The Amber Alert is off.
This puppy was reunited with its humans.
It's strange. Just when I thought I was on top of the world. My whole world came crashing down and was reduced to a scary dark space.
I will give details on the ordeal later.
This puppy was reunited with its humans.
It's strange. Just when I thought I was on top of the world. My whole world came crashing down and was reduced to a scary dark space.
I will give details on the ordeal later.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Amber Alert!
Hello, I am Coco ... the dog.I am issuing an Amber Alert.
I was on an innocent walk with my humans when I was dognabbed and secreted away to a nondescript location in the center of town.
Cats are involved.
I repeat.
Cats are involved.
If you find me; Please save me.
I am a dark amber color (chocolate if you like). I wear a collar with the name "Coco."
I was tempted to say I answer to the name "Coco." I find that answering to a call from a human gives them too much power. If I did answer to a name, it would be "Coco."
My time at the computer is limited.
This is a doggie amber alert! I was last seen on State Street in Salt Lake City, Utah.
I knew the cats were up to something. They get up in those trees and. It is all so terribly scary.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Top of the Morning
Top of the morning to you all.
I had a brisk morning walk, and I am feeling on top of the world.
It took awhile, but I finally have started to figure out the groove of these humans. Now that we are in the groove. Things are flowing smoothly.
I had a brisk morning walk, and I am feeling on top of the world.
It took awhile, but I finally have started to figure out the groove of these humans. Now that we are in the groove. Things are flowing smoothly.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Human Configurations
One of the hardest decisions of a dog is to determine the right configuration of humans.
When I was just a pup, I thought I would try a configuration with just one human. But I ended up being left by myself for long periods of time.
I tried a configuration with two humans, but I found I did not get enough walks.
Currently I am experimenting with a configuration with three humans. One human feeds me. Another human grooms me and takes me on short walks with tennis ball play. The third human does longer walks with frisbee play.
I have a few auxilery humans that I use for additional walks in the mountain.
I have found that being in a big pack of humans is really fun for a few minutes ... but it gets awfully exhausting.
Anyway. things have been working out okay. I've fallen into a regular pattern
I've been hesitant to say this in public. But I have been feeling on top of the world. I hestitant to say this because, in dog lore, it is bad luck to feel too comfortable.
Time and time it happens that, when a dog thinks she's on top of things, the whole world falls apart.
When I was just a pup, I thought I would try a configuration with just one human. But I ended up being left by myself for long periods of time.
I tried a configuration with two humans, but I found I did not get enough walks.
Currently I am experimenting with a configuration with three humans. One human feeds me. Another human grooms me and takes me on short walks with tennis ball play. The third human does longer walks with frisbee play.
I have a few auxilery humans that I use for additional walks in the mountain.
I have found that being in a big pack of humans is really fun for a few minutes ... but it gets awfully exhausting.
Anyway. things have been working out okay. I've fallen into a regular pattern
I've been hesitant to say this in public. But I have been feeling on top of the world. I hestitant to say this because, in dog lore, it is bad luck to feel too comfortable.
Time and time it happens that, when a dog thinks she's on top of things, the whole world falls apart.
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